TJ's blog

This one's for James

2005-12-18T22:14:00.000-07:00

Damn.. its been awhile! and unfortunately i don't think this will be too much of a quality blog. As a matter of fact just a few things:

1. there is no way to give the full update on everyhting that has happened.. haha maybe i'll attempt that sometime but not tonight.
2. even though some days (including this morning) are hard and I think it all might fall apart again, i'm extremely luck - job, car, aparment, friends, family, health - it could be worse.
3. i miss colorado but i still love things about iowa.. its sad to say but i stepped out into the cold and could just smell winter the other day and ya.. there was a tiny little part of me that liked it - i still can't believe i left the island so early!!! But ya James and Laura I miss you a ton and sucks we couldn't do the annual holiday thing together as usual this year - wish I could have been there.

OK, i'm gonna finish my pizza, but promise one day i'll get back into doing this and actually putting down what i'm going through and feeling - it would probably be good for me these days.. Keep on keeping on MY BOY.....

2005-09-17T14:09:00.000-06:00

I said to myself on the way to work that I should sit down and write in here, but I got here and started surfing and doing whatever else and basically avoiding my thoughts or at least not commiting them to paper (virtual paper i guess) like I am always thinking I should. But something just happend and I guess I want to write about it although I don't know what I want to say. I was going to write about the movie I went to last night, and maybe how the job is going, and maybe some other stuff too and how it has continued to be hard lately... but then someone showed up at work.

This person will remain nameless, but it can be said they are a close friend of mine and I care about him very much. He fucked up. Thats the first thing he said to me, "I fucked up last night." And I immediately knew what had happened. He did the same thing I did, made the exact same mistake I did, in almost the exact same way I did it - drunk, but still knowing what he was doing, and randomly, not planned or thought about or premediated in any way. I'm pissed at him, not only because I know and care about his girlfriend, but because he had to go and do the same fucking thing that I did, the thing that I think back on as the biggest mistake I've made and certainly one of the defining moments (in a very bad way) of my life. I don't want my life to be defined by that, and I hope i isn't but its hard to move on and I wonder... For him, I don't want his mistake to have the same impact on his life and those around him that mine did.

I guess I don't really know what to think - i will be there for him for anything he needs that I can give him, and I guess I can truly empathize in that I know exactly how he feels. He did something very smart that I did not do. He has already told his gf what happened and i guess confronted his feelings about it as opposed to being as cowardly as I was because of the hurt I knew I'd cause. He said there was crying - but they came in to my work together today, and they left holding hands. He also told him his is sure he wants to be with her, 100%. If all that is true, and they can get through this, I wish them all the love in the world and happiness. But the thing is, she is going to want to know why, and he's gonna have to figure out what to tell her. Being drunk and horny and tempted by someone who didn't truly care for him and what she was doing to his relationship may not be a good enough reason for her, I don't know, it might.

I told him basically do what she wants for as long as it takes, if he thinks that he really wants to be w/ her. I wish I would have done that. The thing is, I wasn't sure of what I wanted at that time. I was confused and stupid. I had opportunities that I blew. I hope he doesn't do that. Even if things end w/ his gf, I hope he takes the time to think about how he really feels and not just distract himself w/ other things or people, because they have a lot invested in one another. The other thing is, I already told him this and I hope he knows, he isn't a bad person - he just fucked up hugely. I think he probably knows this about himself and will be able to accept it a lot easier than I have, because its still really a daily thing w/ me. He has strong religious faith which may be able to help him too.

ok, i lost my train of thought here because I had to help some customers.. spent over 45 min. w/ them and had their credit come up bad... fuck. who cares for now I guess I'll be making 8 bucks an hour no matter what unless they start giving me manager stuff.

Anyway, i dunno i guess i just hope this whole thing above works out OK. I wouldn't wish on anyone what I put Ashley through, and what I guess doing that has put me through and still does today. Like I was thinking on my way to work how I just wish thats not the way things would have ended. I am SOOO grateful that she is still in my life and is such a good friend to me and I think she's absolutely amazing and unbelievably caring - and thats what kills me because I wish that if things really weren't meant to be that we would have at least gotten through that bad spot and then determined that.. or that we would have talked about things before (i should have) and prevented all that shit in the first place. You know, i was just about to type "guys are fucking assholes" which is true. but the thruth is its just people that are assholes sometimes. All people, guys are girls, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, even parents and kids, they all make really horrible mistakes sometimes. I guess some are not as big and there are those lucky ones that make it through life w/ few or no regrets - but I bet most people out there know what its like to really screw up and in the process hurt other people as well. So basically "people can be assholes" but that shouldn't brand them one for life - its so strange to me that I can type this an believe it about others yet feel like i can't apply it to myself or at least can't accept it in a way that will let me move on - but I guess thats just a process that will take time and the ability to not just give up. I hope I have that. Then again in even just thinking about being able to move on and be happy again i feel guilty in a way - its so weird.

One thing that I think i really have to realize is that Ashley has completely and totally seemed to move on to a whole new chapter in her life. She has a new boyfriend, its real, its not like some one week thing. She's gone through all these tough times w/ him already bonding them in certain ways for better or worse, probably even in ways that didn't know her in our time together. Thats pretty hard to swallow I guess for me still - but I need to. Because to deny it or whatever would just be pointless. Still, i wish it could just be like well me and her went our separate ways and i'm so glad she's happy, but obviously it didn't end all smooth or whatever like that. The thing is: I AM glad she's happy. really I am. I just hate that it hurts me so much but thats just basically tough shit because of the position I put myself in and I've already been selfish enough in my life and relationships. I should not think about it so much, I should focus on other things, but right now its like 2 things matter: 1. a JOB and my LIFE as an adult, and 2. Ashley, and those are the what just are right there for me to think about. Maybe part of that is because Ashley always was my life in so many ways over the past years (and yes I know its been 8 months since we broke up - fuck, thats incredible i just had to think about it - it sure doesn't seem like that long. i guess that makes me more pathetic or whatever! - its like what have i even done w/ that time). I know I'm just babbling now and that this post has turned into a mish-mash of half ideas that don't make sense.

Is it bad that it would really bug me if she ends up w/ this guy? Yes, so I'm not going to type more on that. Ashley if you ever read this, the only reason I even just thought that or think that is because he is the one right after me or whatever, and seems to be very different than me in a lot of ways, so that weirds me out. Maybe that and I don't know him, and so really have no idea what kind of guy he is. I won't judge him by pictures or anything like that - but by what she tells me, but I mean right now that hasnt' really been too much so i don't really know. Does he make her laugh? Does he worry about her when she's driving alone and make sure she's ok? does he have fun watching stupid TV shows w/ her? well who knows, but they probbably have other things that they connect on and find special and enjoy about eachother, I just hope those things are all real and good and everything. OK, fuck thats enough typing bout this. Ashley, I want you to be happy no matter who it is you are with. Basically you just need to be treated wonderfully, as thats how you treat those you care about.

To any poor souls who have read this far (james, laura, maybe simm) sorry for the babbling I just needed to get my thoughts out and I'll actually write if I know it will be readable by someone other than me. OK maybe i'll start a new post about something else. i'm out.

2005-09-12T10:37:00.000-06:00

All the time lately, i think to myself "man i need to write," or "I should at least put down something in my blog about what I'm thinking" but for whatever reason I don't end up doing it. Anyway, I was going to write more this morning but now I'm gonna need to jump in the shower in about 10 minutes and get ready for the thrilling walk to work.

This weekend has been hard, and it seems like most days have been hard lately. Hard in that it seems like any sort of routine I have has to involve waking up and crying or at least almost crying for a little while every morning - I don't like being like that, but I don't think its something that will just stop one day either. confusion about everything I guess, but ya right now it's kinda Ashley that is the thing that really gets me.

I guess I'm just so mad at myself. And I mean not just for hurting her and everything, of course i'll always hate myself for that and those actions. But its like I obviously have strong feelings for her still, and I still really lover her - WHY did it take so much time, a trip to the carribean, and a new boyfriend for me to actually realize and awknowledge all of this at a time that looks like its just too late?

I dunno, thats what pisses me off, like Laura said something like "well you had six months! so its not like you didn't have a chance if you were really thinking you wanted to try and make something happen again." Which is true - but I think trying to negotiate all of that and those feelings and that hurt just scared me or scared me that i'd hurt Ashley more. So instead, i came up with excuses and "fake" things to be excited about. I dont' think I did this on purpose - but when I look back on it it seems like that is really what was going on. Ya, i did a good job into the second half of my internship, and yes i planned and got all excited about my trip to St. John thinking it would be this whole new page in life - but did I even really ever truly believe that?? I hated time off the past summer in some ways because it made me actually think about things, WHY DIDN'T I DO ANYTHING!!! i guess i didn't think enough - its like how i'll turn on the TV to just try and wash everything else away (which doesn't work at all anymore), i used my trip and "moving away" and my job as stupid excuses not to face my feelings.

What I hate is I have no idea what would have happened had I actually tried to deal with what I was going through and feeling as opposed to just what was gonna happen in the future. I mean, god ashley still took care of me for like 2 days when I was sick even after all that shit, and still called me to hang out w/ her new friends, and gave me every opportunity. Why couldn't just ONE of those times i have been like, can we talk, like really talk? I dunno maybe I was scared it would hurt me but just hurt her even worse and I can't stand the thought of ever hurting her again. I probably should not have sat down to start writing w/ no time, cuz I feel like I could just pour out a ton of shit that has just been building up inside me, maybe I can get myself to sit down later and it will be some kind of release to write some more. Lately, it seems like I should really be to that, quit feeling sorry for yourself and move on stage, and i think that is what my friends who i've talked to a bit here are thinking... I just don't want to let her go, let colorado go, let that life go when I think there was so much there that still could have gone on in the right direction and now I just feel lost and scared all the time, and lonely, I don't feel "home." I dunno i havne't felt home for a long time, probably not since well before my relationship ended w/ ashley and we could still hold eachother and feel safe and know everything would be OK. Thats the last time I really felt home, and it didn't matter that it wasn't Iowa, or wasn't a beautiful carribean island, and that family wasn't right there - I felt safe and home and knew things would be OK - and I miss that so damn bad and hate myself so much for losing it and causing the breakup of it and for not fighting harder to try and get it back when I had the chance.

I'm sick of thinking or hearing "everything's gonna be OK, everything will work out" because fuck what if it doesn't, what if that was in and it was the shot to be happy and now its gone, no matter how many great girls I meet or friends I make, it will always be there as this loss, this tinge of sadness that will never let me be completely at peace w/ myself and my life again. all that and the great prospect of selling cell phones to make my living.. i gotta go

2005-09-08T23:41:00.000-06:00

Just a short note written down in words that I want to send positive thoughts out to everyone who is hurting or has been hurt by the hurricane, but especially tonight to friends and family OF my friend that I love more than anyone who have lost someone they love in the midst of all this as it's affecting their lives as well. And mostly, Ashley, I hope you are OK and are able to do what it takes to be there for those you care about, but also to look after yourself as you go through and help deal with this stuff as it has an effect on your life. Love and good thoughts out to those who are hurting and dealing with things right now.

sorry james

2005-09-02T00:59:00.000-06:00

OK dude, who konws if you'll even check this, but I promise i'll write at least something of vague interest or readability in the next few days over the 3 day weekend or something (which I have off from work).. I"m too tired tonight, I spend the last few hours polishing my resume and then writing up a letter of reccomendation for that zoo job - pretty much what I did at CSU but on a smaller scale in some ways w/ more managerial and supervisory stuff added in is what it sounds like - who knows if I'm even qualified, can't hurt to apply I guess and working at the zoo would be RAD. OK, i'm gonna surf a little and hit the hay, gotta work from 9:30 to 2 tomorrow, thats it but thats OK I think, still, next week need to start making some commission to get my cash flow going again. later everyone.

In what other sport can you find lost jewelry and battle ferocius aquatic creatures all at once?!?

2005-07-20T21:33:00.000-06:00

OK - so using the blog to blog, but also I kinda wanta write about my experiences tonight in a story/narrative format. So ya here I go:

As I turned to lock the door on the office as I was the last one out, I could feel the sun beating down on my back. The heat hit me as soon as I stepped outside, and I was almost tempted to go find something to do for another hour or two just so I could stay inside the air-conditioned comfort of my basement office. As I began the 10 minute walk from the Colorado State Campus where I work to my 3rd-floor studio, I thought back on the first half of the week, the sweat building on my brow and dripping down my sunglasses in the 90-degree plus heat that still had its grip on Fort Collins at 5:30pm.

The week had been long insofar as it was Wednesday night and I had already worked close to 30-plus hours. The vast majority of this time had been spent indoors, and with only 3 weeks left in Colorado, I knew I wanted to spend some time outside once I had the chance - even if it meant venturing out into this heat wave. The night before I had made an exciting purchase - a brand new mask, snorkel, and fins; a gift from my parents leading up to my Virgin Islands adventure. Its a somewhat strange feeling to buy a complete snorkeling package in the middle of landlocked Fort Collins, Colorado.

Perhaps it was that I was just excited to have a night off, and excited to try out my new gear, but I decided I needed to have a little Fort Collins adventure of my own. It took about 10 seconds of sitting in my oven-like studio before I decided I would head out to the river.

I packed up my gear, hopped on my bike and pedaled for Lee Martinez park just north of town. I had never taken this route on my bike before, and enjoyed checking out some paths and trails on the way down to the river that had previously been foreign to me. It's amazing that in literally 3 minutes I had gone from downtown Fort Collins to a gorgeous meadow with a view of the mountains to the West, bordered on all sides by a lush greenbelt. Another minute or so of laid-back pedaling and I arrived at my destination: A large rusted over bridge that served as a crossing for one of the many bike paths that zigzagged past the river.

I walked up to the the top of the bridge just as two women on horseback crossed by. I think they may have noticed the bright yellow swim fins sticking out of my backpack and gave me an inquisitive look - I just looked back, you don't see horses at the city park everyday either! Looking straight down, I could clearly see the bottom of the river and the smooth stones and sand that lined it. I crossed to the other side of the bridge and walkd down the bank away. I found a spot w/ some big old, twisted tree roots that looked like they'd be pretty good steps.

The air was hot - but that didn't keep the water tempeture from shocking my system. I lowered myself down into the melted rocky mountain snow that I know makes up this river. I swam out a ways, my feet still easily touching the bottom. "OK," I thought,"this isn't bad, now lets see how the gear works!" I paddled back over to the bank and began putting on my new stuff. First the mask, I swim out and take a look.. works great! Then the fins and snorkle. I'm off!

As I began to float on the surface and swim out to the middle of the thin, shallow (at no point was the bottom more than 4 feet from the surface), I was surprised by the force of the current. It immediately began to push me downstream and my new fins were put to work as I pumped my legs in an attempt to stay in one place.

I was completely enjoying myself, but it should be said: snorkeling in a river is a little eery, and I'd even go so far as to say "freaky." The thing is, you have no idea white might be floating downstream - and even though the water was very clear, there is still a cloudiness that makes anything more than 3-4 feet away a potential snake/scary fish/dead body/part of dead body/of fresh water lemon shark (thats what my granny would say, anyway). But as I said, with the exception of these somewhat morbid and scary thoughts flashing through my brain, I was really into this river snorkeling thing.

By this point the sun was just disappearing behind the the foothills in the distance, but there was still enough like where there was plenty to see. I began to dive down under the 4 or 5 feet of water to explore the bottom, expecting to see rocks, sand, and not much else. So when something moved next to my hand on the first dive down I jumped back pretty quick! I had discovered a defensive little crawdad, claws up to warn me away from his rock. He was crawling back and forth, and had flecks of bright red and blue spread across his muddy colored exoskeleoton. I hung out with him for awhile, diving down several more times to watch him patrol his rock home, always spinning to keep claws up to me - warding me off I suppose.

I let the current do its thing and pull me down further, passing underneath the bridge until I looked down to see an area that was a lot more fine sand than stones. It was a little deeper here as well, and I could feel the strain in my calve muscles as I kicked to stay near the bottom in the very middle of the river's flow. I dove down a few times, checkout out some cool colored and smooth rocks, and an ancient bottle of St. Pauli or some other import beer. As I drifted off to one side of the river and the bank, I noticed something shiny and reached down into the sand to discover a fully functional Timex watch (the clasp had been broken). It was strange to see the correct time, date blinking up at me half-buried in the sand at the bottom of what seemed such an untouched, natural place. I pocketed the watch - lets face it more than one Timex has been lost in the Cache le Poudre, so I think I can lay claim to this one without calling in the cops - and began a slow swim back towards where I had first dipped into the icy water.

Just before I reached my exit point, crawdad number one's big brother showed up! I thought this guy was a lobster on the loose at first. He was a big one, and if you threw him in a pot w/ some corn, potatoes, and a few more of his friends you'd have a good meal on your plate. Anyway, he was all interested in me, and I dove down repeatedly to visit. I stuck out what was left of the watch wristband and he was all over it with his claws, pinching and grabbing, jumping off his rock to try and get hold. It was interesting, at first this little guy seemed to be saying - hey I'm the king of this place, getting up on the back 2 of his 6 little legs to ward me off. But as I dove down again he seemed to be jumping up and trying to grab hold - maybe he noticed my bright yellow mask and wanted to tag along with me next month as I change latititude in an attempt to change his little Colorado crawdad attitude.

I crawled out of the water, and dried off just as the last of the bright orange sun snuck behind the foothills, leaving a watercolor mix of purples, pinks, reds, and oranges in the western sky. I walked out to a large field beyond some trees and just to the north of the river, standing and watching as the colors filled the sky and then slowly receded behind the front range's jagged horizon.

As I hopped onto my creaky old mountain bike and crossed back over the river, slowly taking in the sounds, sights, and smells around me as night crept over the park, I thought to myself, now that was a pretty damn interesting night - river snorkeling in Fort Collins. Just as I was thinking things couldn't get much more fulfilling or interesing, a fox jumped out in front of me, his coat just as bright and orange as the sun had been a few minutes before.

I rode home with soaking wet shorts, a bagful of soggy snorkel stuff, and a brand new Timex watch. I stopped off at 7-11, picked up two hot dogs, a "super" big gulp, and realized when you think about it... life is pretty good.

Curiousity killed the cat... - or at least made his trip to the Islands not quite as exciting!

2005-07-20T10:49:00.000-06:00

OK - STOP!! I keep looking at stuff about the islands and looking for jobs and looking at VINOW.com and stuff - i want to be able to have it all figured out but I know this isn't the way it's going to work.... AND, I know its no the way I want to do it - i wanna be prepared, but I want to experience this and learn it for myself.

The big thing - i'm getting really nervous!! Nervous if I'll like it, nervous if I'll be happy, nervous if I'll be safe, and mostly the biggest thing is I think nervous that I'll have to come back after just the month and want to stay a lot longer! Maybe some of this is hitting me because last night after work I went over to the little Dive shop that is right on the corner of campus basically and picked up a mask/snorkel/fins set. My parents got me this for my birthday - since I'll be down on St. John at the end of August. It makes things seem more real - and i'm sorta scared! Not scared for snorkeling :)... That I'm excited about! Just the whole experience and stuff and how it will be. There were actually some decent looking jobs in the online paper for the islands on St. Thomas and even St. John (a hotel day manager) - but I don't know if I should like wait till I'm there or make some calls or what.

The good thing is this - things have been just sorta happening lately that are good or have worked out. For instance, when the work truck died, James came and jumped it. Or that it works well for Brian to come pick me up after they raft thursday the 4th and everyoen seems ok w/ this. OR, whats really cool is Helen was so excited to have me stay w/ her and I was too - and then even better! Marian says she needs a house-sitter for that week so now I'm all set. Its like things are just falling into place - Finances still worry me, but then again the Moby Sessions came up and that is extremely easy for me to do every night and will mean an additional $400 or so that I hadn't been counting on for my last 2 paychecks. So, yes, money is a worry and I still need to continue to save and be careful and not spend a lot on food and stuff - but I think I will be able to completely pay off my credit card and *hopefully* have somewhere in the vacinity of $600-$1000 in cash for when I take off for St. John. And thats not really counting my PERA refund and apartment deposit - so that should be at least another $1000 that I can use when it comes time to get a car/aparement/etc. Still have to keep paying back the parents though - and hopefully won't have to use any credit down in St. John. Anyway - its obvious this weighs on my mine huh?

So I saw Ashley and we had McDonald's the other night. It was OK - i said some stupid things just cause I wanted to tell her how I felt (that some of the stuff she does w/ her new "crew" is dumb I think). I shouldn't have done that. But it was OK overall I think it had been a long time since I'd seen her! She is as beautiful as ever and its still hard not to just hug/kiss/hold her hand - or want to anyway. The funny thing is when things were going downhill w/ me and her its like she would always want to hold on to me just a bit longer when we hugged - and I took it for granted - I was/am so stupid sometimes. Anyway, she checked out Moby w/ me and kinda humored me and hung out a few minutes so I wouldn't be so bored (James did this last night too, so that was cool). Things are just.. i dunno different and weird and hard. Two and a half years.. thats a long time.

OK, i'm going to go put up some signs for work for a check-in this afternoon - then off to lunch at the Pizza Hut buffet w/ James. May update later as things are pretty slooooooww today.

The river, trains, and a new set of shades

2005-07-16T18:50:00.000-06:00

So today has been pretty interesting so far I guess you could say. I woke up (got to sleep in!) and immediately felt I wanted to try and go down to Martinez park and find Eric's memorial for Javad and Vivian in the river. I jumped online and made a pizza, and my old roomate Adam was IMing me and all about wanting to do something, ANYTHING, and wanted to tube or something on the Poudre. I was pretty non-commital, mostly cuz of work and that I wanted to go down to the river where the memorial was. He didn't seem interested in this and we joked that I was like Cameron from Ferris Bueller's day off cuz i will never do stuff or make up my mind - the truth: I just didn't want to do something that would take all day w/ Adam as i needed to get back to work and stuff. I do get along pretty good w/ Adam, but also sometimes I don't relate to him that great. Like when last weekend I was working and told him I had to work and couldn't hand out he was like, "you're GAY, and LAME!" Its like sorry but I have a job - and those of you who know me and my cultural politics will know that his comments piss me off for more than just one reason.

Ok, so anyway, James messaged and mentioned he wanted to go to Hobby Lobby and Michael's and if I wanted to go. I told him I wanted to go to the park and he said he'd come along. So he came over a bit later and we head over to the river and the park. It's really cool over there! There were kids swimming and rope swings and places that were deep and shallow and all kinds of paths to the river and mini-beaches and stuff. It was HOT, but really beautiful on the river. I waded around a bit, and we headed upstream trying to find Eric's memorial made of stones in the river. We looked and looked but couldn't find it. It was cool of James to go w/ me because I don't think he really felt any connection to any of that but he still went. I did my best to try and convince James we needed to go tubing tonight - but he wasn't up for it.

So, we left the park discussing ideas for a dinosaur movie we could make there using the park/river as our set. haha, we had some funny ideas. We headed over to the craft store and hobby shop - where an old man started the HO scale train for us since we had been "good boys." I found this humorous.

Since I still had about an hour to kill we headed to Old Town for starbuck's (james' opted for a strawberry cheescake thing, i opted for my powder gatorade in my nalgene), and people watching. On the main square there was a belly dancing demonstration going on, so we watched this w/ half-hearted interest for about 20 minutes, then headed out.

James dropped me at the office and took care of some paperwork and emails that had come in and got ready for the pre-con w/ Ryun running. This went OK except the housing people didn't show up!!! The main reason for a freaking pre-con! haha.. so I basically looked like a disorganized jackass. HOWEVER, the Ryun guys were nice (good Christians!) and I think they didn't mind much. I am, however, going to be at their check in tomorow and not at the hockey game I had hoped to play in.... oh well - thats more money in my pocket.

OK, one last thing before I head out to dinner at Country Buffet for $4.00 - ya baby! On the way back form the pre-con I stopped at the little sunglass shop. Right away I asked about the cheapo glasses. I found a few pairs that I liked, then one caught my eye as it was metallic blue and orangish and i like this combination. $18.00 hmmmm OK, i went ahead and bought them telling the guy about my trip to St. John. He was funny, this seemed to "impress" something upon him and when I asked for a cheap case he was like "dude, thats cool, i'm going to hook you up". So he have me a free little soft case for storing and cleaning! COOL. Anyway, i spent like an hour after i got home just looking at these - i haven't bought a "material" type thing in soooo long that I was like really concerned about if this was a good purchase. Well I figure that is good - watching my money more - and I am gonna keep em, they are cool.

OK, gotta clean up for Buffet time!!!! - What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?!?!?

See "Crash" - Don't pay with a baggie of change!!

2005-07-14T22:15:00.000-06:00

To blog or not to blog...

I guess I'll write for a bit and see what comes out. I've been putting off updating for awhile for whatever reason. Most likely just too tired after work and from already being at a computer most of the day. So ya, update on work I guess.

Things are going.. surprisingly well. There was a point today where I was in the Clark building walking up to see how one of the confernce sponsors was doing where i was kinda like, "you know what, I sorta like my job sometimes." Anyway, its already been a LONG week. I've been adding it up in my head, I think i'm at like 44 hours already and I still have all day tomorrow. This is great because that means like 14 hours of overtime - its not so much how much i work each pay period - but how much I work in a WEEK that gets me the big bucks. So already I know I should have a couple hundred bucks in overtime tacked onto the next check. Anyway, long days, but things are winding down and like i'm basically DONE w/ paperwork, so that is always nice. Eh.. enough about work for now.

I just got back from "Crash" which I convinced James to go with me to. I think he really liked it. I liked it a lot. Eric should show this film in Co-cultural communication. A lot to think about in this picture. And the thing was, even w/ the people next to me talking and stuff, i got really pulled in and emotionally involved in this film. There is one part where you think that the unspeakable has happened to this beautiful little girl and my heart like skipped a beat. This film demonstrates something James and I have been talking about lately - the fact that no one is perfect and that their is good and evil in each and every one of us. Anyway, I liked this movie. You don't come out feeling happy, but you don't feel sad either... You just - FEEL. and for a movie to do that these days is what makes it worth 2 hours of your life.

One funny thing about going to the movie was that it was at the cheap theater since its old, and I didn't want to spend any money tonight. I DID have my change jar however so I paid for both James and I in change in pennies in a little baggie - kinda weird but hey its money! Plus I needed to get rid of a lot of that change. I had James pull over at the gas station and I put $10.00 in gas in his tank since he's been driving me around lately - and mostly just cuz I know cash is tight right now for him and he's been a great friend.

It was interesting, after the movie James told me he sometimes feels like he was "safer" in L.A. than he is here in Fort Collins. He said because there is more diversity there that he doesn't feel he stands out as being "Japanese-American" or "asian" or whatever - well James didn't actully say this in so many words, so I shouldn't put words in his mouth. BUT.. it was interesting that he said something and I'm glad he did because it makes me think about white privelege and what it means to have the skin color I have in this country, as well as the rights and priveleges that I enjoy without even thinking about it or realize it as a young white man in Fort Collins, CO. I have a feeling that my thoughts on race and relations, etc. will change and expand even more when I am on St. John - I hope so. I'm excited, and nervous, about this and learning what its like to be a minority as far as skin color goes. That may seem strange to some - that I'm excited to be a "minority." But when you think about it, i GUARANTEE you that you are a minority in some way, shape, or form. And its just how that part of your identity is played out and seen in U.S. society that shapes what this trait means to you and your life. OK, I am probably being confusing - hmmm simple example: You identify as BLACK or AFRICAN AMERICAN and live in Urbandale, IA. You are in the minority in that category. But say there are other things about you that you don't really think about because society doesn't categorize them as importantly as something like skin color. Example: you LOVE anchovies on everything you eat, you can't get enough. You're in the minority of folks there, most likely, and depending on where you live. OH man, haha i don't think my brain is working like it did in the school days..

Basically, i'm just saying that its worth it to stop an think about why society chooses the things it does to use to divide and separate people. Skin color seems that it is something obvious to use - its so EASY to use because its right there up front, it's a visible trait. But some things seem odd - like in watching Hotel Rwanda and learning about the two rival "ethnic" groups that developed in Rwanda - from my incomplete, vastly uninformed, and somewhat ignorant limited knowledge gained simply from the Hollywood film, it seems that basically the people of this country were divided on such things as arbitrary as height and the broadness of the physical characteristic of their noses - so strange.

Things get even stranger when you talk about INVISIBLE traits that divide people in society (thinking back on Crash - some interesting conversations and things about light skinned African Americans being seen as white, and ALL people of South American descent being "Mexican" - some small comments in this film have a whole lot to say about society). For instance, you can look at me, and you'll have certain perceptions from the way I look back at you, from my clothes, from my body language - but you have no way to tell what's inside me. I could be a bigot, a homophobe.. then again, there is now way for you to know that I am who I truly am inside.

OK, I think I'm rambling somewhat on this topic - and may not be making much sense. But just go fucking see Crash, OK? About halfway through you'll either be into it, or maybe it just won't be for you. There is a point where I began looking at situations that occured and the admired filmakers balls (Make the black guys the theifs, the white cop a prick - OK that wasn't a surprise about the racist white cop - the surprise comes as his character develops, and so on, i was like hell ya this feels real), rather than just what the actual characters were saying and joking about other races. This movie IS about race... but I think you leave thinking more about PEOPLE if that makes any sense.

Hmm.. so totally switching gears. Lindsay had a rough day and I hope she is doing OK. She's great and love her. What an awesome girl she is - I LOVE the fact she is stepping outside of herself lately and what she is used to and trying new things and questioning and living - and still loving those aroud her and appreciating all the good she has in her life. She worries a lot because she sees the others around her doing things and she finds herself comparing too much I think - LINDS, i love YOU for YOU and because thats who you are. If you were like Kreoger or Me, or anyone else, than you woulnd't be you. So just fucking keep living and loving and doing what feels right - there will be ups and downs but don't quit searching for what makes you happy.

I'm not one to be giving advice though - I am so damn emotional sometimes. Actually lately I've been doing OK and feeling pretty good. The whole thing with Ashley and her hanging w/ her new "crew" and stuff lately has been real hard on me. It wasn't til last night though that I kinda broke down a little as I talked with her on the phone.. thats when she said something: "I've moving/I've moved on." Hard to hear - and still kinda digesting this...

Damn its already 11:00pm. The days are flying by - I hope this continues. But not if it means sacrificing good time spent w/ James and Ashley and friends out here, I want to savor every last minute of that because it will be awhile till I see them most likely. Basically, i want WORK to fly by :)

Good news for the first week in August - I'm going to stay w/ Helen, my favorite person from work. I'm excited about this! She makes AWESOME food and I really like her, her family, and her grandson Zane (he's like in 1st grade i think) and she said he'd probably be by to visit - he's a funny and kind kid. Anyway, I need to offer to pay some $$ obviously and I haven't done this yet. I bet she'll say OH ITS FINE! but I am still going to offer at least before, during, and when I'm leaving to give them something for their trouble. Haven't figured out transportation for that week yet - may just take the pumpkin truck home to her house each night.

Well my fingers are cramping up! Think I may crawl into bed and read some more travel writings from this book I'm trying to get into - makes me want to kayak!! Next week will be busy w/ the events I've helped coordinate for the CCC conference, AND I may play some substitution hockey for 2 separate teams. I'll try and update. PEACE.

A nice day at work and the SUPERCOMPUTER!!!!

2005-07-10T21:52:00.000-06:00

Blog time. OK I know I said that I was going to go into my thoughts on the other night more and how partying/alcohol use and all that has changed in my life ove the past years and so on... Well I don't feel like writing about that tonight - so maybe later!

Today, for the most party, was a really good day. I had asked if they wanted extra help at the Music Camp registration today and they said, "sure you can get us cold drinks and stuff." Well turns out they really needed me so its good I went!! Checked in a ton of kids. Anyway, ya I had to get up at 8 but it was totally worth it as I got a full day's worth of work in and really need the money. Besides, i sat outside under and umbrella all day working w/ my favorite people in the office and basically nice people all day. It was pretty fun actually.

I had to move a bunch of tables and stuff at the end of the day and it was HOT, but hey it's all good. Following the music camp check-in, I headed over to one of the dorms to check in on the Beet Sugar dudes. They were doing good w/ no major problems - the desk girl was flustered as she hadn't gotten the most accurate list of names (people who work the academic year tend not to give a shit about conferences and thus don't forward important emails!!!). I helped her sort things out and no problems, just need to get one more fridge delievered over there by tomorrow night. Its funny these "good old boys" have been coming so long they can pretty much do whatever they want and we look the other way that they have alcohol on campus - interesting how things work.

I wanna rewind for a minute to yesterday - a good thing happned, when the people were here to check out the apartment I was able to slip them my business card and let them know that All Property is a pretty sleasy company (in my opinion and from the 5 or so bad experinces I've had w/ them), so I felt good about this - more because I was helping these people be educated consumers than i felt I was "screwing over" All Property. So ya that was good!

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that James came over and now I have a SUPERCOMPUTER!!! haha, not really. We took the DVD drive out of my old machines and put it into my new EMachines box - now I can copy DVDs just like that! Also took all the memory out of the old tower (just 128) and but it in my new own. So, I should gain some speed in high memory usage programs and its cool to have two DVD drives!! (the box looks funny now though, althought not altogether bad - just different). I was nervous about doing all this, but then as James and I were working I opened up the owner's manual for my new machine and it was all right there - exactly like we were doing it. And everything has worked great since!!! oh and DUST OUT YOUR COMPUTERS!

So that was fun, then I kept bugging James til finally he said he would go get dinner with me at Burger King. So we drove over and basically sat and ate and enjoyed sitting in the air-conditioning because it was so hot out. We probably sat there for close to 2 hours, i'm not really sure. It's fun talking to James - I sorta wish we hung out more before just the past few months. Its also interesting to hear about his family and stuff - like his dad and whatnot. haha, and I know he reads this so hey james, thanks for my new supercomputer!!!!

I just gave the addy for this blog to my parent's: yikes! haha dunno if that was a good idea or not.

Man, my apartment is fucking hot (see right there, i was like oh man i probably shouldn't say fuck.. my parents are going to read this! hahahah OH WELL....). That little fan I have doesn't do much, but its better than nothing. Besides, i'm going to try and go to bed soon. I am REALLY going to work everyday at 7:30 from now on... Overtime $$ here I come. I've only got 3.5 weeks left so I gotta make the most of it.

Talked to Brett tonight about the whole get together the first week in August. Hopefully this will work out and won't cost much. I'm really excited to see everyone - but will most likely pass on a raft trip (as I've done it and it costs a LOT). Brett seemed frustrated that I wouldn't commit to getting pretty much the whole week off work (its my last week, and I can probably take off just about any day) - BUT, even he wasn't sure when he is coming out. So we'll just have to wait and see I think. Hopefully i can work through at least Wednesday for the money and just cuz I'd like to help out w/ that last big conference w/ Donna since I've done so much w/ Karen and Campus Crusade. But ya, really excited to see those guys and I'm sure we'll have fun no matter what we went up doing - it'll also be good to see Julie, and Degens and hell anyone else! haha and we'll have to see if Patty wants to talk religion... that could be interesting!!

Hmmm, I just created a mix of James Taylor, Buffett, Johnny Cash, and Less than Jake - interesting huh?!? I've actually been feeling it all night. I normally can NOT write when music is on, like papers and emails and stuff. But I seem to be able to blog OK, mostly CUZ i DONT kare BOUT spel'n mistakes and shit haha.

OK, I'm hot and tired and my laundry is almost done. More soon hopefully.

Changing shirts at 9:00pm to go to a Smokey place where you'll be splashed w/ beer?? Not for me tonight - some thoughts on an interesting evening

2005-07-08T21:59:00.000-06:00

So, I haven't written on here in awhile. I think I need to start thought because I think I kinda blow of steam by writing on here and it helps me de-stress a little. Anyway, tonight was... Interesting.

I was all excited all day because I had plans to hang out w/ Erin tonight, who is in town from Omaha where she now lives w/ her serious boyfriend. Work went pretty well today, but I ended up staying till around 5:30. I called Erin right when I got done, thinking we'd go out to dinner, and that maybe Gina would join us.

Well - turns out that I didn't really have much say in the plans. They wanted to go to a BBQ at Gina's ex-bf's house to eat and hang out. All I really cared about was seeing Erin (Gina and I were never close) - so I guess it didn't matter where, so I agreed and they came to pick me up. We got over to this really nice house, that apparently is populated completely by guys that grew up in Carroll, Iowa, and moved out here. Anyway, the guys were nice enough but disinterested in really meeting me or Erin or even talking until everyone had a few beers. Very strange everyone was from Iowa yet did not know eachother before moving to CO.

Anyway - I dunno, I just wasn't very comfortable the entire time really. A lot of it was that they were strangers, more of it probably that Gina didn't do much to make us feel included - but I dunno thats not really her fault.. I think I was just disapointed because I was really hoping to connect and have some good conversation w/ Erin cause she is such a great girl and this didn't happen.

In no way did I want to flirt or anything like that w/ Erin (we dated and really, really got along good for awhile back when I was at UNI and spedning time up at ISU). BUT, I did hope to have some genuine connection w/ a friend from the past and enjoy each other's company for the night. This didn't end up happening at all. Mostly because of the environment I think.

I think some of the reason that I was uncomfortable was the whole guy thing. I just can't seem to relate to or make friends w/ guys as easy as I can women. It's just hard for me - its like I'm suspicious of men and look for things to not like them for or whatever instead of looking for their good qualities - I'm not quite sure why I do this. These guys seemed decent enough. I think my standards are too high maybe? I dunno, I mean its clear these guys liked to party and get trashed and didn't mind speaking of women pretty shittily as well as some other stuff that these days just turns me the other way (everythings "gay" or anyone stupid is a "fag"). Still - how many gruops of guys out there that live together don't relate to one another in this way. I don't know it just confuses me. I think in some ways I become jealous I dont' have a group of friends like that - those that I can just bullshit with.

In some ways I do have this w/ Brian and Brett back home, along w/ Sarah and Megan and stuff. Like, if Brian and maybe one other person I knew had been there tonight it would have made me so much more comfortable... or even if more women had been there. I could have jumped into some conversations with these (maybe 5 or 6?) guys, and a few times I did and they were not unwelcoming, just didn't seem to care much that I was there or what I had to say.

Anyway, being over at this BBQ did bring back some feelings that were good/memories and nostalgia in a way. I haven't drank in a LONG time, and I was buzzing after a beer and a half (I only had 3). At that point I wandered outside, kinda just chilled and listened to people chatting, stood around the grill. Someone lit up a cigarrette and immediately I was brought back to my partying days (I never smoke - just that smell and the buzz brought it all back). If I had been on that patio sitting underneath the beautiful CO sky w/ Brian, Sarah, Megan, Brett, Simm, even John and Pat - life would have been just about perfect. We'd bullshit, drink a few beers, bullshit some more, then Degen would chug a beer, I'd try but not make it, get made fun of but laugh and love and be surrounded by it all. The night would go on - talking, drinking, probalby getting drunk enough to do some crazy shit that would have us all cracking up.

So anyway, at this point tonight (on the patio grilling) I was feeling pretty good. Following eating, and basically just watching these guys getting drunk - everyone started to get ready to "go out". It was like I was back in sophomore year or something. The guys disappeared to their rooms, coming back in designer jeans and clean colored shirts - this sorta cracked me up but I didn't show it. It's like "didn't you already get dressed today." I'm just fine in my shorts and "College" t-shirt thats somewhat of my uniform these days. I dunno - i shouldn't bag on them though, fasion and going out and fishing for the ladies isn't bad or anything - just not my thing anymore in the same way it is these guys I guess.

Of course the girls had to go out to the car, and grab their "going out" clothes as well. They changed in the bathroom and came out looking great of course. Erin is very pretty and always has been in a very cute sort of way. She is sexy because of this cuteness and her smile and laugh and attitude - not because you look at her and think: "damn she's sexy." You look at her and say she's cute then get to know her and realize how amazing she is and what a great girl she is. Her BF is a lucky guy and I hope he treats her right. The whole time I was w/ her tonight I wondered if she was feeling like me in some ways - kinda out of place and would rather be snuggling up w/ someone watching a movie or kicking back w/ a few beers and old friends. Anyway, although I'm disappointed I didn't get to see or talk to her much and she didn't really seem to like say "hey lets do something so we get to hang out all night" she is still a wonderful person w/ a good heart and I love her.

Gina, of course - well she's just fucking smoking physically. She's a natural beauty with huge dark brown eyes (thats not the only huge thing!), brown hair w/ the perfect highlights, and a body that makes men's (and some women's for that matter) jaws drop. Still- its funny, any attraction I have to Gina is purely physical as we don't really connect at all on any other levels. She's a nice girl, just not one I'd ever want to date. Sometimes I wonder about how her and Erin are best friends!! But hey they love eachother and enjoy being together and thats all that matters. haha, so anyway, i meant to say Gina got dressed up and looked nice too.

So decision time: Go to the bar w/ these two girls who are my friends and a bunch of strangers?? Basically, I think why I ended up having them drop me off at my house came down to 2 things mainly. Number 1: Money. It is not hard to drop 30-50 bucks a night at the bar once you pay a cover, buy a few beers, and maybe buy a beer or shot for a friend or a fun new acquataince. I seriously wanted to avoid this. I got paid today - and I still have $1000 to pay of on my credit card plus the grand I owe my parents. Not to mention trying to finance this whole up and moving to the Caribbean thing!!! So, that was one of the deciding factors. Number 2: Basically all goes back to that night in February or whatever. I'm scared of the decisions I might make in a bar/drunken situation - like I don't think I can trust myself yet.

Man, this song just came on Jack FM 105.5 (GREAT STATION!) that I call the "brett majors song" because I swear it always played at the Oakmoor athletic club we'd go work out at when I was w/ Brett. I think its by the wallflowers, haha, just had to mention that

OK, i think i'm going to post this as is.. but i'm going ot come back and finish the last part, i.e. my thoughts on going out and drinking and stuff and why I chose to stay home and if it was the right decision or not.... OK maybe later tonight or tomorrow! Peace everyone - I hope they find each and every one of those fuckers that bombed up London yesterday. Gotta remember, like my mom told me yesterday, 99.9% of the people in this world are good and loving.. don't forget that.

2005-07-05T12:01:00.000-06:00

Well.. I'm at work right now and should really be getting started on some things but I'm having trouble getting motivated. James text messaged me and then called so we are going to go get lunch in about a half an hour I think. I'm hoping that when I get back I'll have more energy/motiviation to get some stuff done. It was interesting talking to my parents about work the other night. I just kept talking and talking about all the stuff that I have to do for my job and I really wasn't bullshitting at all about everything that I'm responsible for -- So when my dad said "They SHOULD be paying you more than 8 bucks and hour" that felt kinda good. More on that visit later.

I have been thinking about Ashley and our relationship a lot lately - more than usual, and I think it has me feeling kind of down. I hate myself so much for what I did... I was so so so stupid. Its like I can't even comprehend how I could have possibly been that dumb and thoughtless. Yes - I was depressed about the future, and Yes our communication sucked, and yes I think I was frustrated with things and how they were going in general and even physically. But still, I am so fucking stupid.

I had the most beautiful, kindest, coolest, funniest, greatest girl that you could ever ask for. Even if all those things were going bad, plus a million more problems, why couldn't I just find a way to talk about things and work things out? There HAD to be a way to work things out. Even if we ended up deciding, ok yes, we need to breakup - why did I have to do such a stupid thing. I think maybe I'm thinking about this more and more lately because I realize I only have 30 days left in Fort Collins pretty much. So I'm not really sure what should happen... should we just stay how we are now? Should we have some big talk? Should we try to talk about a a future of some kind? (I have no idea if she would even consider any of this...).

The one thing is.. I know I need to do this trip to St. John. And after that, I need to keep pushing myself to do new things that will keep me happy and busy and not depressed. Not to mention the fact that I need to finance my life - and begin to save if I ever want to have kids and a family of my own (which is something I do want very much). How does Ashley fit into all of this? - writing this write now I just stopped to think, "Ashley can read this if she wants and I wonder what she'll think if she does." I guess I could start a "private" diary but I don't see a reason that those close to me shouldn't know how I'm feeling - in fact if Ashley had known I was feeling and I had been able to express it to her so much hurt could have not happened over the past 6 months.

I have this feeling that right now its gonna kind of be St. John for the month, maybe more, then back to Des Moines. Why Des Moines? - my parents are pretty clear that they like to visit and see me but they are not the kind that want me as close as possible and like to have me stopping by for a visit 4 or 5 nights a week. They just aren't. -- so why then? I don't know really - I guess Brian and Sarah mostly? and Lindsay although I don't think our friend circles would really be the same.. who knows though. But the answer is much more "people and family" than anything else. But can't I find good people and "create" family anywhere?? I dunno, maybe.. I struggled w/ that in Fort Collins I think largely because of my complete dependence on my relationship w/ Ashley and my unwillingness to expand my social networks beyond that. Still, what an incredible, beautiful town I live in. One of the things that really really bothers me about not having Ashley is that the things that REALLY matter - like our morals and values.. they line up SO good. Like when it came to "right and wrong" I think we always pretty much agreed. Sure, she thought I was rude when I thought I wasn't, etc. But I don't think we ever disagreed on any of the big things - i.e. the ways to treat people, the importance of love and family, openess to new ideas and things. Thats one reason I thought that we could be a strong family together some day... Then again, we do have different outlooks on things like work, money, school - those are all very important in the living day to day life as well.. but I still think a step down from the big things which we always seemed to connect on. I could be full of shit - who knows? It would be interesting to hear what she thought.

OK- James is here, more later.

A World War thats not much to write home about..

2005-07-03T11:01:00.000-06:00

Well, the parents should be here within the hour, that should be fun I think - I'll have to report back on that later. Basically I'm just killing time till they get here and hopefully take me out to eat, so I dunno really what I want to write about today. How about this, I'll give you my movie review:

So I went to see "War of the Worlds" on Wednesday night in Westminster at the fancy Promenade theater. That place is like suburbia meets mainstream entertainment personified. Kinda reminds me more of Southern California or something rather than Colorado. Anyway, I drove down with Ashley and Amy. Amy seems to not hate me or anything and was talking quite a bit so that was nice since I hadn't seen her in a really long time. She had her hair highlighted and I thought this looked good on her. Ashley and I talked on the way down and it was good as I was joking around some and we were both laughing. We sorta had a little fight too because I was being stupid and an ass and had to open my mouth when I could have just laughed at one of her stories/comments - from what I remember, it was funny... I shouldn't be such an asshole sometimes. Anyway, by the time we got down there, things were cool, and we met up w/ James. He had come from the dentist and needs a $1700 root canal, OUCH!! I feel really bad for him I hope he can figure something out. We also met up w/ Laura, and her sister's Ellen and Kelly. Laura looked really pretty, she had some sort of eye make-up on that make her stand out and look nice. Also, Ellen is very cute in a rebellious high school type way (that probably doesn't make sense - and don't think I'm a jerk for saying she looked cute - I know she is only 18!!, I was just stating the obvious!) haha. Anyway, Kelly I have only met twice but she has been very personable and friendly both times. Those girls are so differnt, but they seem to really get along well as far as sisters go.

Wow, so I'm really not reviewing the movie huh? It was just... OK. I would say a solid B or maybe B-. I actually thought the acting was pretty good considering they were probably dealing w/ a blue screen and props a lot. But ya Tom was good, and Dakota fanning good and cute like always (cept I hated that "uptown girls" movie, that just plain sucked). I liked the big sights and big sounds - but i think it just left me wanting more... The whole basement seen is just too much like "Signs" and the movie's scare tactics were pretty formulaic and obvious. And the aliens? Just not that scary or original - they moved cool, and the CGI was well done, but they look a LOT like the Independence day Aliens and others from movies. It's like c'mon Spielberg, get w/ your buddy George Lucas and come up w/ some crazy scary shit for us. Still, i can't totally knock this thing - there was one point where I said to myself, "Damn, this is PG-13? there is no way I'd bring a kid to this." So it did have some scariness and gore. The giant machines "fertilizing" the earth with human blood was completely unnecessery but one of my favorite parts for some reason. And the ending? - BLAH, it wasn't really a horrible ending, just should have been explained better. So in the end looks like Ebert was right, once you start "thinking" about this movie and its plot holes, it makes a lot less sense.. but in a dark theater w/ big sound its probably worth the $7.00 just for the thrill ride of it all.

So yesterday I spent pretty much all day packing/cleaning up my place, cuz the parents will take some stuff w/ them. Always interesting to go through old stuff and whatnot and kinda relive those memories. I'm trying to get rid of a lot so we can fit everything when Ben comes out - think I took out a trash bag full, plus a ton of books, and also a box full of stuff for goodwill or ARC. Its going OK, still that pile of stuff is growing - I want to get to the point where if I had a small car I could move just about all my possessions and still be perfectly happy.

More climbing w/ James on Friday. That was fun and we got some great pictures I think.. I'll have to see the ones we took on his camera. Also we went to eat at the Pizza Hut Buffet. I really like the Pizza Hut Buffet for some reason, those breadsticks are great, and if you eat enough its totally worth it, mmm........ Friday night I kept calling Ashley cuz she was having her party - anyway, basically I worry about her too much, I won't go into it.

Yesterday afternoon I went to IHOP w/ Ashley and that was pretty nice and fun. I think we were both in OK moods once we started talking and we joked around a little. She can be really funny. She looked beautiful as always but especially cut cuz she has dyed her hair and I actually kinda like it a lot - and she always looks cute in her little tight T-shirts and jeans. I think thats when she looks best, just in jeans and a t-shirt. I mean she looks beautiful all dressed up too.. haha I dunno she is always hot! I told her that and she said I was lying when I said all guys think she is hot, but its really true. Anyway, it was fun hanging out only if for a little while and to hear how she has been and that she is excited for her mom to come out and so forth. I really hope that in the fall she ends up doing something that she realy enjoys and is happy. I'm going to miss her so much. Maybe she'll just go nuts and come to the islands w/ me!! haha.. I wish. She loves it here and has so many good friends she'd never leave.

So where should I take my parents? What should we do? I dunno give me some ideas if the like 2 or 3 or you who read this have any. I think I'll just see what they want to do.. it seems like everyone who has come out to CO while I've lived here up to this point I want to have like a big plan for. Not this weekend.. we'll just do whatever.

Hmmmm.. well no other thoughts are coming in to my head.. I'm just gonna talk w/ Kayla on IM or something till Mom and Pop get here. I'll try to write and report on the weekend in a few days - work shouldn't be back this week so I should have some time and energy. PEACE OUT!

2005-06-29T17:22:00.000-06:00

Hey, so here's a pic of Lindsay and I up at Horsetooth Resevoir up above FOCO. It's a pretty cool pic, and she's one of the only ones that reads this so I am putting it up.

Looking at that picture of me, and then comparing it to pictures form the spring of 2002 that I was just checking out blows me away. I was SOOOO skinny and in shape then. I really wish I still looked like that. I was freaking hot, now wonder I dated a bunch of girls that year! haha J/K, but man I would like to be in good shape like that again. Its weird, you can see it almost completely in my face where I have gained weight. Its like my cheeks and neck have big globules of fat glued on. Oh well, I suppose if I wanted to be in shape I could - I did it once before.

So Ashley will be over to pick me up and then I'm going to drive us down in her car to see "War of the Worlds" in Westminster w/ James and Laura. I'm pretty excited - althought my main man Ebert only gave this thing 2 stars. Pretty much every other critic says its worth seeing just for the effects, and I'm definetely in the mood for some on-screen eye candy and theater sound and all that good stuff. Besides I like Tom cruise as an actor and can't think of much Spielberg has done that I don't find really good (just recently Terminal AND Catch me if you can.. 2 really good overlooked movies). Lots of the reviews I read online today compared this movie to the original Jurassic Park, which is one of my all time favorites. Basically Aliens instead of Dinos. So I think I'll enjoy it, even though we're driving all the way to Denver to see the thing.

Hopefully Ashley will be in a good mood (if not sleeping), and also Amy she is is along. Both Ashley and Laura sounded flustered on the phone just now. James is missing apparently, but he'll show up. Laura and james are so ridiculously in love, its almost sick if they weren't so perfect for eachother. I just thought of that from being able to tell Laura was worried about James, and also from what he said last night as he talked about her.

Man, looking through those old pics from the UNI and DMACC days brought back some memories. After I had my car accident and got on depression meds that first winter at DMACC, its like I was transformed somehow. I started working out and all that, which I think really helped, and I became like number one dude to know for this weird period of time. I swear I had so many friends, who were really true friends (or at least really great to be w/ at the time), that I met and hung out w/ in that kinda cool and weird time in my life. Both at ISU, then DMACC, then UNI. Its so funny though, because I can remember being really depressed at UNI, thinking I should transfer to ISU, because I felt lonely and stuff. But when I compare all the cool experiences I had then, and all the people I knew, I really was pretty well off especially compared to the boredom of my life as of late. Thats why this whole Island Adventure is definetely needed. Hell, even if its a month, i can say I tried it and had no regrets.

One thing that sucks is that I won't get ot see James and Laura anymore, or Eric when he's in town. Plus everyone at work is nice and stuff - its just time for something new. Also, Laura Van Arsdale is moving here so that would have been fun to hang out w/ her in town. I told Ashley about that on the phone - she doesn't like LAVA at all. And obviously the hardest thing will be leaving Ashley...

It's needed though, something needs to jump-start me. I look at those pictures, and honestly can see more life, more excitement, more "something" in my eyes then I see when I look in the mirror today. I want that something back, and I'm hoping this trip somehow leads to that. Its still another 6 weeks away though, and that seems like an eternity.

I've been doing a real good job lately at work, but today and yesterday my motivation just wasn't there. Hopefully tomorow I can get a bunch of shit done I've been putting off and finish everything I need to up Friday so I can truly enjoy spending Sunday and Monday w/ my parents. I hope that goes ok - I think it will. I sorta had my freakout a few weeks ago when they sent me the "you're not being responsible like we expect" letter, so that I don't think will come up when they are here. Mom said she wants me to be myself more... How I do that I don't really know - truth be told, "myself" is pretty fucking boring lately. Well I'm just hoping it goes ok, maybe we'll actually get into some good real conversations, which hasn't happened in a long, long time.

The thing is, when you fuck up as badly as I did and hurt your girlfriend like I did, and your parents know all the sordid details cause you didn't know what else to do but call your mom crying - it somewhat humiliating to come home to them... OK movie time!!! more on this later

What's More Dangerous than rock climing? : Rock Climbing w/ no health insurance!!!

2005-06-27T21:50:00.000-06:00

Well, sorry to end so suddenly last night. I ended up going over to campus in the CSU truck and getting the wheelchair delivered. Not fun but not too bad either. Hey, another hour of pay right? Then this morning I get the call at 7am Donna needs the ONE wheelchair- GREAT! Well she made it over to the corbett office and it all worked out. Karen calls at 7:30, wants me to the student center by 8. This works fine cuz i need motivation AND she says I'm gonna get paid under the table to move boxes for this Lunch Lady conferece, in addition to my CSU pay.

Guess what? Doesn't happen! I spend 3ish hours busting my ass lifting seriously heavy boxes and delivering them all over the student center and I don't end up getting anything. This would have bee completely fine w/ me had they not promised Karen they'd pay me... Oh well - teaches me to wear my CSU shirt I guess when I'm doing "extra" jobs like that. I guess it got me out of my office and some exercise, and besides I was still on the clock w/ CSU (I think I actually put in like 10 plus hours today, yahoo).

Just got back from rockclimbing and bouldering w/ James up at the resevoir. That was really fun and I hope we do it some more. The main thing was not challenging myself too much as I dont' have insurance right now, neither does James. There was a lot of routes I knew from my small experiences climbing at UNI and just from knowing what I can do that I could have done, but i didn't for fear of a stupid mistake and falling over 10 feet. It was really beautiful up there tonight. A good sunset and the lake was gorgeous. I'm so dumb for not finding a way to get out and enjoy everything CO Has to offer more. Even w/o a car I should get up to the foothills and mountains and do more stuff outside. Thats one thing I really regret, and I'm going to take every chance to take in the Colorado stuff that is no where else in the next month. Thats why I told my parents I want to go up the Poudre w/ them, and also why I am excited to go w/ Ben on the train to New Mexico.

Man, he is really being not just a good brother, but a good friend. He's coming all the way out for basically a whole week to get me and bring me and my shit back to Iowa. And he knows I can't afford much and is only making me pay for gas one way.. thats pretty cool. I don't think I've ever done nething for him like that. I shouldn't type stuff like "nething" because it makes me look less intelligent. I should proofread too, but I"m too lazy for that.

In writing Ben back, I was forced to think a little about what it will be like to say goodbye to Ashley. She will probably be the last person I see before I leave Fort Collins. Just thinking about this starts to bring on the waterworks, so it will be interesting to see how long I can deny that its really going to happen. God, I love her. Some days I wish badly we were still in love like in the beginning... but its just not the same anymore. hmmpffff... I don't want to have to think about this yet.

On a positive note - Karen emailed me today just to say I was doing a good job after I sent out some feedback from the goalkeeper conference. Also, she told me that verbally as well after I sent out another email that explained some sorta confusing stuff to a sponsor. That kind of stuff is good to hear and I'm glad that I work in our office w/ the people I do. I think this is almost 100 percent because of Craig, and also Gwynne to some extent, and the atmosphere they have chosen to create w/in OCS. Its not quite camp with P and T's every week and hugs everyday, but its a hell of a lot better than a bunch of other offices I'm betting.

This makes me think my prospects are good for finding "real" work post CSU and Maho Bay. It's just what in the hell that work will actually be. I think it would be cool to help James w/ his camp idea... I can definetely see something like that in my future. What else? Peace Corps? Americorp? go back to school so I can teach? Anything that pays the bills so I can live and be w/ friends and family in Iowa? Anything that pays the bills in Colorado? I really have no fucking idea at this point.

Well... 2 nights in a row! its a miracle. I'm gonna put something in the oven to eat and start up the laundry and wash my one pair of shorts. Hopefully I'll keep this up and post tomorow. OH, and Cribs Brevard was really funny, I'll have to say something about that. Later.

2005-06-26T22:19:00.000-06:00

Well, its obvious I'm not really keeping up my end of the bargain on this blog thing!! I'm doing about one a month, not quite what I'd hoped for. I DO have some reason to believe I actually might start writing more though: I'm thinking about sending my TV back with Mom and Pop next weekend. I know... T.J. w/ no TV - what the hell is the world coming to?

The thing is, if I do have them take back my TV then I wouldn't have to worry about fitting it into Ben's truck (Ashley's garage for the week before), OR it getting rained on if its in the back of Ben's truck. Besides, I don't want TV anymore anyway cuz I can't get any reception, and I think I have another few weeks to cancel my Blockbuster online membership - even if I don't cancel, I can watch DVDs on my computer. So, I'm probaly going to see if they can take the TV back as well as my mini-bandsaw. The chances that I'll use either of those much in the next 35 days is pretty slim.

I Hope Ashley's OK we me storing stuff in her garage - she said she is... and I told her just to let me know if she wanted to change her mind. Anyway, thats really awesome of her.. now I just have to hope I can get permission to use the CSU truck and maybe get some help outloading stuff from my apartment. I was going to start "packing" and condensing stuff tonight but I doubt I'll get around to it.

Today has been weird... I decided not to set my alarm and just wait for my cell phone to ring from work to wake me up (i didn't have anything scheduled that I needed to be on campus for - just on call for problems w/ the AIDS conference or nething else). This happened about 8:30 with a call from the Corbett front desk staff - thankfully, it was a girl named sarah that is nice, however, if she had read the info form I put together, she would not have needed to call me.. OH WELL. It was ok anyway, cuz 3 minutes later Karen calls, and needs me to go to campus to let some people into the student center to get sound equipment out they had forgotten last night. She asks if I'm "awake" and I'm honest w/ her and tell her I just woke up not dressed or nething but that I can be to campus in 15 minutes - luckily I took the truck last night - gotta remember to get in early tomorrow (it WAS raining!! AND C2ea has needed me a lot). Anyway, so I go to campus, meet these guys, lead them through the kitchen in the LSC to the ballroom, pick up their shit, and then figure out how to operate the big giant freight elevator - I didn't mind too much.

So I get back to my place and decide I'll go back to sleep. I figure my phone will ring again... it does, about 15 min. after I lay down I think.. luckily a basic question I can answer from home on some mini-fridges needing to be put into some dorm rooms. I pop in "Resevoir Dogs" for the second time and eat a bowl of that pour-over cheddar popcorn, it looks pretty gross and is probably so bad for me but I had craving. I fall asleep for the 2nd time to the movie in 2 days, and figure I'll get woken up w/in the hour by the phone. Turns out I sleep from like Noon to 7 P.M.!!!!! I woke up every hour or so to roll over since I have my futon on the floor and its not comforatable at all, but man, i just slept the day away.

So i got up a few hours ago, took a shower, and contemplated cleaning up my apartment as its been pretty messy since lindsay's visit (not her fault - just have my camping shit and clothes everywhere along w/ the usual plates, pop cans, etc.). This didn't sound too appealing, but I was hungry. I have food here.. and I've been making a serious attempt to save money by not eating out. I just needed to get out of my place though, its hot, stuffy and I wanted to interact w/ some other humans. I called James but he got a flat - tomorrow I may take him to the tire place on lunch w/ the OCS truck. So I decide on Waffle House, the new one, and walk down there.

It was kinda funny walk cuz I decided to go down the alleys instead of on the streets. I have never felt in danger in Fort Collins, but it was sorta spooky cuz it was all dark. It also smelled bad, because all those houses and businesses have their dumpsters in the alley. Luckily, my appetite was still in tact by the time I arrived and Waffle House did not dissapoint on the human interaction/entertainment aspect. I grabbed a Coloradoan but was immediately helped out and my order taken, then this girl comes up behind the counter and says "HEY, GIVE ME FIVE BUDDY!" I oblige, because she seems to seriously need me to slap her hand in a big way. Let me paint a picture: This girl is probably 19-20, slightly overweight, black, and has decided to "paint" pencil-thin eyebrows onto her forhead in place of the real thing. I thought to myself that she almost resembled a clown as much as your typical "made-up" girl - and wondered if she knew that she might look sorta funny to most people - but then I just thought, eh.. to each their own. It wasn't even her look that was so strange. She went on to explain to me that she "hadn't slept in 32 hours!!" I asked if she was an insomniac, thinking back to "The Machinist" i pretty cool movie I watched last night. She said - "Either that or freaking CRAZY!!!" Well that was the last I conversed with this character, but she sure was interesting to watch the rest of my time as I scarfed down my waffle, eggs, and toast and read about this weekend's Brewfest activities. I honestly think if I had been the manager, I would have sent her home for lack of professionalism. But then I think - I've been to the waffle house twice now, and I don't think professionalism and customer service seems to be what they are concerned about most. Still.. I'll go back :)

So I'm thinking going to sleep tonights not going to be particularly easy after sleeping a good 7 hours this afternoon. That sucks, cuz I want to be to the office by 7:30 tomorrow and always from now on... this way I'll have 8 hours in by 3:30, and I'll usually stay til at leat 4:30-5, so that guarantees some overtime above and beyond the weekend hours. We'll see how this plan pans out, as last week I didn't go in before 9 cuz linds was here and stuff, and no one seemed to care at all - at least I still worked late everynight go get at least 8 hours a day.

Still, no matter how many extra hours I work, the money's just not going to add up like I want/need it to. I want to have my credit card completely paid off by the time of the trip to the islands, AND almost more importantly at this point, I want to have my parents paid back. The thing is, there is no way I can do both, pay my remaining bills, and have enough money to prepare and then LIVE on St. John for a month w/o a job, even if I make a ton on all the rest of my paychecks. So basically, I'm hoping to have my credit paid off, at least a grand for the VI(OK, this probably won't happen, but I don't think it would be smart to go down w/ any less than $500), and then continue (START!) to pay my parents back the $1200 bucks I owe them. I just know the little things are going to add up though that I don't think about when I'm budgeting - - - no more eating out!!! I doubt the security deposit on the apartment will be much more than have of the $400 i had to put down, as they've pretty much been shitty to deal with and don't seem to have much respect for their tenants - hopefully I can schedule a walkthrough though so all the deduct for is carpet cleaning. Then there is the PERA money that is going into an account each paycheck. I think this should be about $500 by the time I quit CSU and get ahold of it - so hopefully this can go toward what I owe Mom and Pop or into savings. I'm REALLY hoping I can get out of my T-mobile account - and I need to cancel everthing else soon (phone line for internet, blockbuster). I'm freaking about money, BUT, I realize I'm lucky too... No student loans, no car payments, no car insurance, basically nothing after this months on Friday and then the additional utitly payments (which will be a lot). The thing is, I NEED to get insurance before my trip, would like to go to the Dentist, and maybe the Dr. So that all will add up.

AHH, i just stressed myself out thinking about that stuff. Oh well, i need something to do to stay up for awhile, cuz Ashley is supposed to call when she gets back in town from Camp, and I worry about her driving in the mountains at night - 1 year ago she wouldn't even drive to Denver. The thing is, I wouldn't worry about her if she was w/ me, or more likely with James and Laura. She's w/ susan though, and susan's friendly and great and I love her, but she is a lot more immature (just turned 21 - the night I picked up Ashley at 4:30am). Her friends got Ashley trashed, and it sounds like they delight in the things just about every 21 year old does - getting hammered in public, doing stuff that is crazy, fun, and boderlines on dangerous just about everytime. Maybe I just worry too much, Ash can take care of herself but she relies on other people and I don't want her doing that when she is smarter/more mature than those she's relying on. Ashley got mad at me the other night for expressing some of this - telling me she could take care of herself and she hated everyone worrying about her and thinking she couldn't make her own decisions. I guess all I can say is that I love and care about her, and that I just want the best for her.

Last night I talked to Patty Degen on the phone for about an hour. I had to call to see if it was OK for me to stay at there place before Ben picks me up in August. It was of course fine. We actually had a really good talk about me and Ashley (i didn't tell her everything), Brian and Julie, Brett, and how we've all grown up in different ways. Its so funny, because I can tell she loves Brian very much, but I still think that she is "surprised" he has a girlfriend and so many good friends. I told her that I'm just lucky to have Brian as my best friend and that when I'm with him I honestly feel like I can do/take on just about anything. We talked about that ability of his - how he just makes the best of things and can be happy anywhere anytime. But ya on a sad note their little schnauser Heinikin - who I never got to know or like as much as Mausi - had a stroke and is paralyzed. Sounds like they will put him down after Brian's visit. Patty asked me to pray for him... I said I'd give my "best thoughts" towards him before I went to bed and she said that was "good enough." This left me feeling weird... so I actually did say a "real" prayer to the Christian God that Patty believes in. I emailed her and told her, so hopefully things work out how they are meant to for them and Heinekin.

It was really nice having Linday and Abby here. I like Abby and am glad she came. Its funny, she in many ways seems very sure of herself and her opinions (she reminded me SO much of Lee), yet she was always asking and double checking on EVERYTHING!!! haha but I had a great time w/ those girls and a lot more fun then when amber and her friends came out (sorry if you ever read this amber - but it was just a whole different connection). On a selfish note, to be able to drive throught RMNP and up to CCO was absolutley amazing for me. Colorado is so beautiful, and I honestly forget because I don't make it up there w/ work and no car and stuff. As I was walking down to join CCO for vespers (which I missed cuz they were so early!!), I actually started crying at the beauty that surrounded me, and the memories that flooded my brain. If I ever find another place as beautiful and where I feel as at home as CCO I'll be one lucky bastard. I was ready to be assigned a cabin of kids and stay for the rest of the summer. That whole trip up there was great - sure people got cranky and stuff, and I hope that the girls didn't get offended as I spend some much needed meditation type alone time at certain point during hte trip - but overall it was really awesome and beautiful not just in physical sights and surroundings but in the people and conversations as well.

Same thing when we went up in the Poudre Valley Tuesday night - I was like "God why don't I do this every week." It was SO insanely gorgeous up there, and just sitting by the river watching the kayakers and eventually the sun disappearing over the moutains and lighting up the clouds and cliffs in purples and oranges, and being FUCK!!! I have to go into work right now 11:15 P.M. Great planning by the C2EA people huh!? I'll finish this when I get back w/ another post.. later

2005-06-02T22:22:00.000-06:00

Well I just got back from dinner with James at Perkins. It was good, as we don't usually have a chance to hang out together just me and him. Usually its Laura at least and Chris and Ashley (well used to be), which is fine but its also good to talk to James. In fact, thats the only reason I'm updating my blog and might try and start writing in it again. He mentioned he still writes in his and so I checked it out and have been reading it for quite awhile.

The thing that I like about reading his posts is that its clear he stops and takes stock in whats going on in his life, and why, and what will come next. I don't think I do this enough. Its like one of my all time movie heros Ferris Bueller said: "Life moves pretty fast - If you don't stop and look around once in awhile you might miss something." That movie is pretty good for website quotes, as I know my brother used that same one on his train site and Simm used one for her blog. I started watching it the other night on DVD cuz my TV reception (thats right, no cable) is shit. I fell asleep right after Cameron fell in the pool. Sloane looks hot in her little undershirt outfit in that scene... hmmm sorry got sidetracked.

Anyway, I hope I get to hang out w/ James a lot more before I move, even if he moves to Denver. Yesterday I had lunch w/ Laura and that was nice (she even bought me lunch!) but also made me sad. James and Laura have both remained my friends when they could have VERY easily turned their backs on me. Thats not something that I look on lightly... I'm really lucky to have them in my life and I hope that we all stay in touch no matter where we end up.

Work is going OK. It seems like the days are flying by which is good, but I also come home exhausted every night. Its not that things are particularly hard, more that I just am so tired from staring at my screen answering emails and typing up forms all day. As the summer progresses I hope to get out more on campus, even if thats just doing bitch work for the big money conferences like delivering coffee or some shit. I'd rather be doing that than filling out another fucking information form. Still, its not all bad, just sometimes hard knowing i'm only making 8 bucks and hour and doing quite a bit of work. I'm hoping that my hard work in the past few weeks is being recognized and that my reccomendations will be stellar from the entire OCS staff and especially Craig. We'll see.

Almost exactly 2 months til I'm done at CSU, then about 10 days before I fly out of Chicago for St. John. crazy.. I hope what happened to James in AK doesn't happen to me, but I guess there is no way to know. I just can't wait to see what Island life is like. If its really as laid back and stuff as I've been reading, I think I'll fit in. It's not that I don't want to work hard in my life... Its just that I want to enjoy every possible moment. I'll work my ass off if I'm happy. I did at summer camp for 2 years. I really hope Maho Bay is like that. I think I'd rather stay on and work there than find another island job.. but then again i really don't know. If i found a "Real" job on the islands that would be amazing. I REALLY hope I make friends easily down there. I've neglected forming the kinds of strong relationships that really are what get you through in life here in Ft. Collins. It's like Ashley, James, Laura, Eric... then it just kind of drops off. Thats not to say I don't have other great friends here, just not those deeper relationships.

Saying that makes me think about Ashley, how weird things are right now. Why hasn't she messaged me in the past two days? I don't even think I'll go into Monday morning and what happened. It just seems like she'd at least message me...

OK, Enough for tonight.. but as I was searching for Sarah's addy earlier to sent her a sympathy card cuz her really cool grandpa died i found this random letter/story I made up and sent to my grandpa. Fits w/ the whole looking forward to the islands thing (I just pasted it and the spacing got all screwed up, live with it):

Dear Boompa and Granny,First I'd like to say many thanks for the generous check in the amount of $33.21. After reading your harrowing hospital experience I was quite impressed with the bravery and courage you displayed in saving that poor man's money. And a very good choice, I thought to myself, when you described keeping the money and then forwarding it to yours truly; you never know what those cops are looking for these days, why they may have mistaken your cathetar for some type of terrorist bomb!Well, whoa whoa whoa.. I said to myself upon opening your letter and taking a look at the check. It's been quite some time since this type of money has come my way with nothing to spend it on (my previous paycheck from work had gone to pay for new dining room dishes for Ashley's valentine's day gift). It was as if the very world was at my fingertips!My significant other was somewhat less enthused as I excitedly showed her the check and recounted your amazing crimefighting tale. "Eh... Cool", she responded, "but what can 34 bucks get you?"What can 34 bucks get you!!! It became obvious to me that she has much to learn about the ingenuity of a Hicks man. "I'll show you what 34 bucks can get you!!", I exclaimed (not actually knowing what 34 bucks could get me to impress my beautiful girl).Well I figured I couldn't just sit around hoping for something to happen, so we immediately cashed the check last Friday and promptly spent $12.57 on a tank full of gas for Ashley's Ford Escape SUV and drove to Denver. I smiled as we arrived in the mile-high city, again Ashley was less enthused, "So.. we're in Denver.. what can being in Denver get you?"At this very moment we were waved at frantically from the side of the road by a large dreadlocked black man who seemed to be doing everything he could to get someone's attention. Having nothing better to do, I slowed to see if we could be of some sort of assistance. The man, responding in what seemed to be a type of English Creole I could barely understand, thanked us profusely. "Hey mon! Hey mon! tank you tank you. You must do me a favor, I am stuck here in Denver, but I need to get word back to Barbados that grandmother is just fine!!" Confused, but intrigued, I asked the man how we could help, "here take these, the directions are in the envelope!!" he exclaimed as he handed me a large envelope. And like that he was gone! (he was wearing roller skates and it appeared as if they must have had some special lubricant!! he was off in a flash). I opened the envelope and to my astonishment found 2 tickets from Denver to Barbados, by way of Miami. Also included was a small note with some directions. What's more, the tickets were good for the flight leaving in an hour!I smiled at Ashley, "Looks like 34 bucks is taking us to the Caribbean!"11 hours later, we touched down in the Tropics. Now you're probably asking yourself, "T.J., how could you possibly get through airport security and so forth these days with just a couple of random tickets??" Well... I'd tell you but its a long story and I have to go to class soon, lets just say that it worked out and only cost me $9.37 and my phone number given out to a beautiful young head flight attendant (Ashley still hasn't forgiven me for that one)."Well", I said, looking out at the beach and crystal blue waters as we exited the airport,"we're in Barbados, whatcha wanna do?"Ashley immediately reminded me of the man back in Denver and the directions he had provided us with. After conferring with the locals on the whereabouts shown on the scrap of paper we had been given, we were told that the only way to get to the small mountain village was by donkey. Turns out donkey day rentals aren't cheap, but ashley convinced me that we had to do our duty and I spent $7.75 in U.S. dollars on a couple of Donkeys.After travelling for a couple of hours on winding dirt trails, we finally reached a small agricultural village high in the mountains. I quickly dismounted my noble steed and asked the first villager I saw if they had any knowledge of a "grandmother in Denver?"Screams.. Shouts.. we were suddenly surrounded by hundreds of villagers, all begging to know more about grandmother. "Well..", I stammered,"I was told to relay the message that she is just fine."Dancing.. Singing.. Jubilation.. Apparently this was the news they had been waiting to hear. I looked at Ash, she shrugged. We looked at the villagers, they were happily going back to work. Job well done I guess.We spent that night along the coast and enjoyed an afternoon of snorkeling and sailing courtesy of the village people that we had met. We awoke in the morning to find a large basket of juicy mangoes on the doorstep of the resort cottage that had been secured for us by the grateful villagers. Eating breakfast at a local cafe (free of charge!!), Ashley suddenly turned to me with a look of fright in her eyes."T.J.!! I haven't even been thinking about anything but enjoying this paradise. I have a biology test at 2 P.M. tomorrow!! How in the name of my dog skippy am I going to get back in time!?!?"Indeed, this was a problem as I too had to be back to Ft. Collins for work and class starting at 7:45 A.M. the following morning. Just as we were mulling over this dilemma we noticed a porty fellow moving from shop to shop along the street. He sort of reminded me of a busy little beaver I had seen collecting sticks and logs one day up at camp. As he arrived in the small deli and grocery store we were eating at, it was clear he was in quite a state of exasperation. I overheard him talking to the shopkeeper, asking if he had any native mangoes in stock. The shopkeeper explained that the growing season had not been a good one as of yet and that as far as he knew there were none to be found on the entire island. Well here was our chance to do another good deed!"Excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but overhear your problem, and can identify with you as my girlfriend and I are having one of our own. We have just received a large basket of mangoes, courtesy of some villagers, apparently these are the last on the island, but by all means, they are yours."What were we gonna do with the mangoes anyway? all we cared about was getting home! The look of relief on this poor man's face was obvious, and he quickly came over to shake my hand and accept my offer."You see, I work for a recluse multi-millionare who lives in Vail, Colorado. I can't divulge his name, but I can tell you that he absolutely loves fresh Mango juice, and requests that it be squeezed soley using Mangoes grown in the hills of Barbados. You can't imagine the embarrasment I would have faced had I returned back to Vail empty handed. You said you had a problem? Is there anything I could possibly do to help you??"Well.. Well.. as a Walt Disney animatronic might say, "It IS a small world after all" Turns out Mr. Busy Beaver was a pilot who flew his employer's own private jet. To make a long story not quite so long, Ashley and I were dropped off on the tarmac of Denver International Airport at 5:45 Monday morning, after pleasantly sleeping most of the night in the luxury cabin. We were wide awake and quickly found Ashley's car and headed back to Ft. Collins.I knew Ashley was nervous about her test, and so to calm her down and help her relax we stopped for the best kind of breakfast in the world (with the exception of Granny's scrambled eggs of course!) Truck Stop Breakfast!!! We shared the "Extroidanery Eleven" breakfast platter with the total, with tip, coming to exactly $3.52 (the best value in northern Colorado).Well we got back on time and had quite a weekend, not a bad way to spend this year's valentines day. Late that night I wanted to buy a soda-pop outside my dorm, but when I emptied my pockets, I realized my cash was all gone. I thought back on the weekend:Tank of Gas - $12.57Bypassing airport security - $9.37Day-long Donkey rentals - $7.75Extroidanary Eleven at local eatery - $3.52Total - $33.21A check from Boompa and Granny - PRICELESS!!Today Ashley reported to me that she got an A on her test (she apparently had a bonus question on southern Caribbean ecosystems!). We also got back some pictures we had taken with my camera on the trip.I just smiled and softly whispered to Ashley as she checked out the pictures, "Now THAT is what 34 bucks can get you..."much love, T.J.

Doogie Howser and Semi-Dirty Desktops

2005-05-01T23:08:00.000-06:00

So I've never done this before... writing for myself I mean. And right now the only thing going through my head is the Doogie Howser M.D. theme music. Remember how at the end of every episode he typed up his thoughts of the day on his futuristic blue-screened home computer, surely financed by his generous salary considering he was a 13-year old doctor.

So ya.. I sorta feel like Doogie Howser right now, and I have a feeling if I can get myself to continue writing on here, I'll write more for the "reader" than for myself... unlike Doogie. I don't think I'll really wriet much on here tonight since I want to try and get some sleep tonight and finish up the book I've been reading to see if the calligrapher guy marries his weird girlfriend. I guess my thoughts can be summed up by what I spent awhile earlier doing: surfing the net for pictures of St. John in the Virgin Islands where I am "moving" in August. Looking at stuff to read about the islands, reading the message board at vinow.com.

Here's how bad it is: I found some website of what must be a ridiculously well off couple who had their honeymoon on St. John and had posted a bunch of pictures (along w/ about 5 other trips around the globe the in past 2 years). Anyway, the girl is just fucking gorgeous. And one of the pictures they have literally looks professional... Its of her wading into the crystal-clear water at Trunk Bay, one of the most beautiful beaches on the island. I was drawn to the picture immediately, not only because of how beautiful the water was but because this girl had a world-class perfect ass on her, and clicked the thumbnail until the image was filling my desktop. Wow, I thought, I am seriously going to live in this place in about 3 and a half month. So I spent 15 minutes on photoshop airbrushing out the snorkelers in the distance... haha so its just this girl stepping into paradise, and put "August 15, 2004 - St. John, USVI" on the bottom and now its up as my desktop. I smiled as I put it up but realized that I'll probably take it down cause it would be weird if Ashley saw it. I mean she'd read it as I can't wait to get down to the Islands so I can have some torrid love affair and forget all about her.. As opposed to "I can't wait to get down to the Islands to have something new happen in my life.. and that girl is hot and has a great ass and that just adds to my enjoyment of this picture." I'm not really sure how different those are... Oh well.

I'm going to go to bed, maybe i'll get into this, i sure wrote a hell of a lot more than i thought i would.