Well.. I'm at work right now and should really be getting started on some things but I'm having trouble getting motivated. James text messaged me and then called so we are going to go get lunch in about a half an hour I think. I'm hoping that when I get back I'll have more energy/motiviation to get some stuff done. It was interesting talking to my parents about work the other night. I just kept talking and talking about all the stuff that I have to do for my job and I really wasn't bullshitting at all about everything that I'm responsible for -- So when my dad said "They SHOULD be paying you more than 8 bucks and hour" that felt kinda good. More on that visit later.

I have been thinking about Ashley and our relationship a lot lately - more than usual, and I think it has me feeling kind of down. I hate myself so much for what I did... I was so so so stupid. Its like I can't even comprehend how I could have possibly been that dumb and thoughtless. Yes - I was depressed about the future, and Yes our communication sucked, and yes I think I was frustrated with things and how they were going in general and even physically. But still, I am so fucking stupid.

I had the most beautiful, kindest, coolest, funniest, greatest girl that you could ever ask for. Even if all those things were going bad, plus a million more problems, why couldn't I just find a way to talk about things and work things out? There HAD to be a way to work things out. Even if we ended up deciding, ok yes, we need to breakup - why did I have to do such a stupid thing. I think maybe I'm thinking about this more and more lately because I realize I only have 30 days left in Fort Collins pretty much. So I'm not really sure what should happen... should we just stay how we are now? Should we have some big talk? Should we try to talk about a a future of some kind? (I have no idea if she would even consider any of this...).

The one thing is.. I know I need to do this trip to St. John. And after that, I need to keep pushing myself to do new things that will keep me happy and busy and not depressed. Not to mention the fact that I need to finance my life - and begin to save if I ever want to have kids and a family of my own (which is something I do want very much). How does Ashley fit into all of this? - writing this write now I just stopped to think, "Ashley can read this if she wants and I wonder what she'll think if she does." I guess I could start a "private" diary but I don't see a reason that those close to me shouldn't know how I'm feeling - in fact if Ashley had known I was feeling and I had been able to express it to her so much hurt could have not happened over the past 6 months.

I have this feeling that right now its gonna kind of be St. John for the month, maybe more, then back to Des Moines. Why Des Moines? - my parents are pretty clear that they like to visit and see me but they are not the kind that want me as close as possible and like to have me stopping by for a visit 4 or 5 nights a week. They just aren't. -- so why then? I don't know really - I guess Brian and Sarah mostly? and Lindsay although I don't think our friend circles would really be the same.. who knows though. But the answer is much more "people and family" than anything else. But can't I find good people and "create" family anywhere?? I dunno, maybe.. I struggled w/ that in Fort Collins I think largely because of my complete dependence on my relationship w/ Ashley and my unwillingness to expand my social networks beyond that. Still, what an incredible, beautiful town I live in. One of the things that really really bothers me about not having Ashley is that the things that REALLY matter - like our morals and values.. they line up SO good. Like when it came to "right and wrong" I think we always pretty much agreed. Sure, she thought I was rude when I thought I wasn't, etc. But I don't think we ever disagreed on any of the big things - i.e. the ways to treat people, the importance of love and family, openess to new ideas and things. Thats one reason I thought that we could be a strong family together some day... Then again, we do have different outlooks on things like work, money, school - those are all very important in the living day to day life as well.. but I still think a step down from the big things which we always seemed to connect on. I could be full of shit - who knows? It would be interesting to hear what she thought.

OK- James is here, more later.