My life - when I remember to write about it...

Sunday, December 18, 2005

This one's for James

Damn.. its been awhile! and unfortunately i don't think this will be too much of a quality blog. As a matter of fact just a few things:

1. there is no way to give the full update on everyhting that has happened.. haha maybe i'll attempt that sometime but not tonight.
2. even though some days (including this morning) are hard and I think it all might fall apart again, i'm extremely luck - job, car, aparment, friends, family, health - it could be worse.
3. i miss colorado but i still love things about iowa.. its sad to say but i stepped out into the cold and could just smell winter the other day and ya.. there was a tiny little part of me that liked it - i still can't believe i left the island so early!!! But ya James and Laura I miss you a ton and sucks we couldn't do the annual holiday thing together as usual this year - wish I could have been there.

OK, i'm gonna finish my pizza, but promise one day i'll get back into doing this and actually putting down what i'm going through and feeling - it would probably be good for me these days.. Keep on keeping on MY BOY.....

Saturday, September 17, 2005

I said to myself on the way to work that I should sit down and write in here, but I got here and started surfing and doing whatever else and basically avoiding my thoughts or at least not commiting them to paper (virtual paper i guess) like I am always thinking I should. But something just happend and I guess I want to write about it although I don't know what I want to say. I was going to write about the movie I went to last night, and maybe how the job is going, and maybe some other stuff too and how it has continued to be hard lately... but then someone showed up at work.

This person will remain nameless, but it can be said they are a close friend of mine and I care about him very much. He fucked up. Thats the first thing he said to me, "I fucked up last night." And I immediately knew what had happened. He did the same thing I did, made the exact same mistake I did, in almost the exact same way I did it - drunk, but still knowing what he was doing, and randomly, not planned or thought about or premediated in any way. I'm pissed at him, not only because I know and care about his girlfriend, but because he had to go and do the same fucking thing that I did, the thing that I think back on as the biggest mistake I've made and certainly one of the defining moments (in a very bad way) of my life. I don't want my life to be defined by that, and I hope i isn't but its hard to move on and I wonder... For him, I don't want his mistake to have the same impact on his life and those around him that mine did.

I guess I don't really know what to think - i will be there for him for anything he needs that I can give him, and I guess I can truly empathize in that I know exactly how he feels. He did something very smart that I did not do. He has already told his gf what happened and i guess confronted his feelings about it as opposed to being as cowardly as I was because of the hurt I knew I'd cause. He said there was crying - but they came in to my work together today, and they left holding hands. He also told him his is sure he wants to be with her, 100%. If all that is true, and they can get through this, I wish them all the love in the world and happiness. But the thing is, she is going to want to know why, and he's gonna have to figure out what to tell her. Being drunk and horny and tempted by someone who didn't truly care for him and what she was doing to his relationship may not be a good enough reason for her, I don't know, it might.

I told him basically do what she wants for as long as it takes, if he thinks that he really wants to be w/ her. I wish I would have done that. The thing is, I wasn't sure of what I wanted at that time. I was confused and stupid. I had opportunities that I blew. I hope he doesn't do that. Even if things end w/ his gf, I hope he takes the time to think about how he really feels and not just distract himself w/ other things or people, because they have a lot invested in one another. The other thing is, I already told him this and I hope he knows, he isn't a bad person - he just fucked up hugely. I think he probably knows this about himself and will be able to accept it a lot easier than I have, because its still really a daily thing w/ me. He has strong religious faith which may be able to help him too.

ok, i lost my train of thought here because I had to help some customers.. spent over 45 min. w/ them and had their credit come up bad... fuck. who cares for now I guess I'll be making 8 bucks an hour no matter what unless they start giving me manager stuff.

Anyway, i dunno i guess i just hope this whole thing above works out OK. I wouldn't wish on anyone what I put Ashley through, and what I guess doing that has put me through and still does today. Like I was thinking on my way to work how I just wish thats not the way things would have ended. I am SOOO grateful that she is still in my life and is such a good friend to me and I think she's absolutely amazing and unbelievably caring - and thats what kills me because I wish that if things really weren't meant to be that we would have at least gotten through that bad spot and then determined that.. or that we would have talked about things before (i should have) and prevented all that shit in the first place. You know, i was just about to type "guys are fucking assholes" which is true. but the thruth is its just people that are assholes sometimes. All people, guys are girls, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, even parents and kids, they all make really horrible mistakes sometimes. I guess some are not as big and there are those lucky ones that make it through life w/ few or no regrets - but I bet most people out there know what its like to really screw up and in the process hurt other people as well. So basically "people can be assholes" but that shouldn't brand them one for life - its so strange to me that I can type this an believe it about others yet feel like i can't apply it to myself or at least can't accept it in a way that will let me move on - but I guess thats just a process that will take time and the ability to not just give up. I hope I have that. Then again in even just thinking about being able to move on and be happy again i feel guilty in a way - its so weird.

One thing that I think i really have to realize is that Ashley has completely and totally seemed to move on to a whole new chapter in her life. She has a new boyfriend, its real, its not like some one week thing. She's gone through all these tough times w/ him already bonding them in certain ways for better or worse, probably even in ways that didn't know her in our time together. Thats pretty hard to swallow I guess for me still - but I need to. Because to deny it or whatever would just be pointless. Still, i wish it could just be like well me and her went our separate ways and i'm so glad she's happy, but obviously it didn't end all smooth or whatever like that. The thing is: I AM glad she's happy. really I am. I just hate that it hurts me so much but thats just basically tough shit because of the position I put myself in and I've already been selfish enough in my life and relationships. I should not think about it so much, I should focus on other things, but right now its like 2 things matter: 1. a JOB and my LIFE as an adult, and 2. Ashley, and those are the what just are right there for me to think about. Maybe part of that is because Ashley always was my life in so many ways over the past years (and yes I know its been 8 months since we broke up - fuck, thats incredible i just had to think about it - it sure doesn't seem like that long. i guess that makes me more pathetic or whatever! - its like what have i even done w/ that time). I know I'm just babbling now and that this post has turned into a mish-mash of half ideas that don't make sense.

Is it bad that it would really bug me if she ends up w/ this guy? Yes, so I'm not going to type more on that. Ashley if you ever read this, the only reason I even just thought that or think that is because he is the one right after me or whatever, and seems to be very different than me in a lot of ways, so that weirds me out. Maybe that and I don't know him, and so really have no idea what kind of guy he is. I won't judge him by pictures or anything like that - but by what she tells me, but I mean right now that hasnt' really been too much so i don't really know. Does he make her laugh? Does he worry about her when she's driving alone and make sure she's ok? does he have fun watching stupid TV shows w/ her? well who knows, but they probbably have other things that they connect on and find special and enjoy about eachother, I just hope those things are all real and good and everything. OK, fuck thats enough typing bout this. Ashley, I want you to be happy no matter who it is you are with. Basically you just need to be treated wonderfully, as thats how you treat those you care about.

To any poor souls who have read this far (james, laura, maybe simm) sorry for the babbling I just needed to get my thoughts out and I'll actually write if I know it will be readable by someone other than me. OK maybe i'll start a new post about something else. i'm out.

Monday, September 12, 2005

All the time lately, i think to myself "man i need to write," or "I should at least put down something in my blog about what I'm thinking" but for whatever reason I don't end up doing it. Anyway, I was going to write more this morning but now I'm gonna need to jump in the shower in about 10 minutes and get ready for the thrilling walk to work.

This weekend has been hard, and it seems like most days have been hard lately. Hard in that it seems like any sort of routine I have has to involve waking up and crying or at least almost crying for a little while every morning - I don't like being like that, but I don't think its something that will just stop one day either. confusion about everything I guess, but ya right now it's kinda Ashley that is the thing that really gets me.

I guess I'm just so mad at myself. And I mean not just for hurting her and everything, of course i'll always hate myself for that and those actions. But its like I obviously have strong feelings for her still, and I still really lover her - WHY did it take so much time, a trip to the carribean, and a new boyfriend for me to actually realize and awknowledge all of this at a time that looks like its just too late?

I dunno, thats what pisses me off, like Laura said something like "well you had six months! so its not like you didn't have a chance if you were really thinking you wanted to try and make something happen again." Which is true - but I think trying to negotiate all of that and those feelings and that hurt just scared me or scared me that i'd hurt Ashley more. So instead, i came up with excuses and "fake" things to be excited about. I dont' think I did this on purpose - but when I look back on it it seems like that is really what was going on. Ya, i did a good job into the second half of my internship, and yes i planned and got all excited about my trip to St. John thinking it would be this whole new page in life - but did I even really ever truly believe that?? I hated time off the past summer in some ways because it made me actually think about things, WHY DIDN'T I DO ANYTHING!!! i guess i didn't think enough - its like how i'll turn on the TV to just try and wash everything else away (which doesn't work at all anymore), i used my trip and "moving away" and my job as stupid excuses not to face my feelings.

What I hate is I have no idea what would have happened had I actually tried to deal with what I was going through and feeling as opposed to just what was gonna happen in the future. I mean, god ashley still took care of me for like 2 days when I was sick even after all that shit, and still called me to hang out w/ her new friends, and gave me every opportunity. Why couldn't just ONE of those times i have been like, can we talk, like really talk? I dunno maybe I was scared it would hurt me but just hurt her even worse and I can't stand the thought of ever hurting her again. I probably should not have sat down to start writing w/ no time, cuz I feel like I could just pour out a ton of shit that has just been building up inside me, maybe I can get myself to sit down later and it will be some kind of release to write some more. Lately, it seems like I should really be to that, quit feeling sorry for yourself and move on stage, and i think that is what my friends who i've talked to a bit here are thinking... I just don't want to let her go, let colorado go, let that life go when I think there was so much there that still could have gone on in the right direction and now I just feel lost and scared all the time, and lonely, I don't feel "home." I dunno i havne't felt home for a long time, probably not since well before my relationship ended w/ ashley and we could still hold eachother and feel safe and know everything would be OK. Thats the last time I really felt home, and it didn't matter that it wasn't Iowa, or wasn't a beautiful carribean island, and that family wasn't right there - I felt safe and home and knew things would be OK - and I miss that so damn bad and hate myself so much for losing it and causing the breakup of it and for not fighting harder to try and get it back when I had the chance.

I'm sick of thinking or hearing "everything's gonna be OK, everything will work out" because fuck what if it doesn't, what if that was in and it was the shot to be happy and now its gone, no matter how many great girls I meet or friends I make, it will always be there as this loss, this tinge of sadness that will never let me be completely at peace w/ myself and my life again. all that and the great prospect of selling cell phones to make my living.. i gotta go

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Just a short note written down in words that I want to send positive thoughts out to everyone who is hurting or has been hurt by the hurricane, but especially tonight to friends and family OF my friend that I love more than anyone who have lost someone they love in the midst of all this as it's affecting their lives as well. And mostly, Ashley, I hope you are OK and are able to do what it takes to be there for those you care about, but also to look after yourself as you go through and help deal with this stuff as it has an effect on your life. Love and good thoughts out to those who are hurting and dealing with things right now.

Friday, September 02, 2005

sorry james

OK dude, who konws if you'll even check this, but I promise i'll write at least something of vague interest or readability in the next few days over the 3 day weekend or something (which I have off from work).. I"m too tired tonight, I spend the last few hours polishing my resume and then writing up a letter of reccomendation for that zoo job - pretty much what I did at CSU but on a smaller scale in some ways w/ more managerial and supervisory stuff added in is what it sounds like - who knows if I'm even qualified, can't hurt to apply I guess and working at the zoo would be RAD. OK, i'm gonna surf a little and hit the hay, gotta work from 9:30 to 2 tomorrow, thats it but thats OK I think, still, next week need to start making some commission to get my cash flow going again. later everyone.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

In what other sport can you find lost jewelry and battle ferocius aquatic creatures all at once?!?

OK - so using the blog to blog, but also I kinda wanta write about my experiences tonight in a story/narrative format. So ya here I go:

As I turned to lock the door on the office as I was the last one out, I could feel the sun beating down on my back. The heat hit me as soon as I stepped outside, and I was almost tempted to go find something to do for another hour or two just so I could stay inside the air-conditioned comfort of my basement office. As I began the 10 minute walk from the Colorado State Campus where I work to my 3rd-floor studio, I thought back on the first half of the week, the sweat building on my brow and dripping down my sunglasses in the 90-degree plus heat that still had its grip on Fort Collins at 5:30pm.

The week had been long insofar as it was Wednesday night and I had already worked close to 30-plus hours. The vast majority of this time had been spent indoors, and with only 3 weeks left in Colorado, I knew I wanted to spend some time outside once I had the chance - even if it meant venturing out into this heat wave. The night before I had made an exciting purchase - a brand new mask, snorkel, and fins; a gift from my parents leading up to my Virgin Islands adventure. Its a somewhat strange feeling to buy a complete snorkeling package in the middle of landlocked Fort Collins, Colorado.

Perhaps it was that I was just excited to have a night off, and excited to try out my new gear, but I decided I needed to have a little Fort Collins adventure of my own. It took about 10 seconds of sitting in my oven-like studio before I decided I would head out to the river.

I packed up my gear, hopped on my bike and pedaled for Lee Martinez park just north of town. I had never taken this route on my bike before, and enjoyed checking out some paths and trails on the way down to the river that had previously been foreign to me. It's amazing that in literally 3 minutes I had gone from downtown Fort Collins to a gorgeous meadow with a view of the mountains to the West, bordered on all sides by a lush greenbelt. Another minute or so of laid-back pedaling and I arrived at my destination: A large rusted over bridge that served as a crossing for one of the many bike paths that zigzagged past the river.

I walked up to the the top of the bridge just as two women on horseback crossed by. I think they may have noticed the bright yellow swim fins sticking out of my backpack and gave me an inquisitive look - I just looked back, you don't see horses at the city park everyday either! Looking straight down, I could clearly see the bottom of the river and the smooth stones and sand that lined it. I crossed to the other side of the bridge and walkd down the bank away. I found a spot w/ some big old, twisted tree roots that looked like they'd be pretty good steps.

The air was hot - but that didn't keep the water tempeture from shocking my system. I lowered myself down into the melted rocky mountain snow that I know makes up this river. I swam out a ways, my feet still easily touching the bottom. "OK," I thought,"this isn't bad, now lets see how the gear works!" I paddled back over to the bank and began putting on my new stuff. First the mask, I swim out and take a look.. works great! Then the fins and snorkle. I'm off!

As I began to float on the surface and swim out to the middle of the thin, shallow (at no point was the bottom more than 4 feet from the surface), I was surprised by the force of the current. It immediately began to push me downstream and my new fins were put to work as I pumped my legs in an attempt to stay in one place.

I was completely enjoying myself, but it should be said: snorkeling in a river is a little eery, and I'd even go so far as to say "freaky." The thing is, you have no idea white might be floating downstream - and even though the water was very clear, there is still a cloudiness that makes anything more than 3-4 feet away a potential snake/scary fish/dead body/part of dead body/of fresh water lemon shark (thats what my granny would say, anyway). But as I said, with the exception of these somewhat morbid and scary thoughts flashing through my brain, I was really into this river snorkeling thing.

By this point the sun was just disappearing behind the the foothills in the distance, but there was still enough like where there was plenty to see. I began to dive down under the 4 or 5 feet of water to explore the bottom, expecting to see rocks, sand, and not much else. So when something moved next to my hand on the first dive down I jumped back pretty quick! I had discovered a defensive little crawdad, claws up to warn me away from his rock. He was crawling back and forth, and had flecks of bright red and blue spread across his muddy colored exoskeleoton. I hung out with him for awhile, diving down several more times to watch him patrol his rock home, always spinning to keep claws up to me - warding me off I suppose.

I let the current do its thing and pull me down further, passing underneath the bridge until I looked down to see an area that was a lot more fine sand than stones. It was a little deeper here as well, and I could feel the strain in my calve muscles as I kicked to stay near the bottom in the very middle of the river's flow. I dove down a few times, checkout out some cool colored and smooth rocks, and an ancient bottle of St. Pauli or some other import beer. As I drifted off to one side of the river and the bank, I noticed something shiny and reached down into the sand to discover a fully functional Timex watch (the clasp had been broken). It was strange to see the correct time, date blinking up at me half-buried in the sand at the bottom of what seemed such an untouched, natural place. I pocketed the watch - lets face it more than one Timex has been lost in the Cache le Poudre, so I think I can lay claim to this one without calling in the cops - and began a slow swim back towards where I had first dipped into the icy water.

Just before I reached my exit point, crawdad number one's big brother showed up! I thought this guy was a lobster on the loose at first. He was a big one, and if you threw him in a pot w/ some corn, potatoes, and a few more of his friends you'd have a good meal on your plate. Anyway, he was all interested in me, and I dove down repeatedly to visit. I stuck out what was left of the watch wristband and he was all over it with his claws, pinching and grabbing, jumping off his rock to try and get hold. It was interesting, at first this little guy seemed to be saying - hey I'm the king of this place, getting up on the back 2 of his 6 little legs to ward me off. But as I dove down again he seemed to be jumping up and trying to grab hold - maybe he noticed my bright yellow mask and wanted to tag along with me next month as I change latititude in an attempt to change his little Colorado crawdad attitude.

I crawled out of the water, and dried off just as the last of the bright orange sun snuck behind the foothills, leaving a watercolor mix of purples, pinks, reds, and oranges in the western sky. I walked out to a large field beyond some trees and just to the north of the river, standing and watching as the colors filled the sky and then slowly receded behind the front range's jagged horizon.

As I hopped onto my creaky old mountain bike and crossed back over the river, slowly taking in the sounds, sights, and smells around me as night crept over the park, I thought to myself, now that was a pretty damn interesting night - river snorkeling in Fort Collins. Just as I was thinking things couldn't get much more fulfilling or interesing, a fox jumped out in front of me, his coat just as bright and orange as the sun had been a few minutes before.

I rode home with soaking wet shorts, a bagful of soggy snorkel stuff, and a brand new Timex watch. I stopped off at 7-11, picked up two hot dogs, a "super" big gulp, and realized when you think about it... life is pretty good.

Curiousity killed the cat... - or at least made his trip to the Islands not quite as exciting!

OK - STOP!! I keep looking at stuff about the islands and looking for jobs and looking at VINOW.com and stuff - i want to be able to have it all figured out but I know this isn't the way it's going to work.... AND, I know its no the way I want to do it - i wanna be prepared, but I want to experience this and learn it for myself.

The big thing - i'm getting really nervous!! Nervous if I'll like it, nervous if I'll be happy, nervous if I'll be safe, and mostly the biggest thing is I think nervous that I'll have to come back after just the month and want to stay a lot longer! Maybe some of this is hitting me because last night after work I went over to the little Dive shop that is right on the corner of campus basically and picked up a mask/snorkel/fins set. My parents got me this for my birthday - since I'll be down on St. John at the end of August. It makes things seem more real - and i'm sorta scared! Not scared for snorkeling :)... That I'm excited about! Just the whole experience and stuff and how it will be. There were actually some decent looking jobs in the online paper for the islands on St. Thomas and even St. John (a hotel day manager) - but I don't know if I should like wait till I'm there or make some calls or what.

The good thing is this - things have been just sorta happening lately that are good or have worked out. For instance, when the work truck died, James came and jumped it. Or that it works well for Brian to come pick me up after they raft thursday the 4th and everyoen seems ok w/ this. OR, whats really cool is Helen was so excited to have me stay w/ her and I was too - and then even better! Marian says she needs a house-sitter for that week so now I'm all set. Its like things are just falling into place - Finances still worry me, but then again the Moby Sessions came up and that is extremely easy for me to do every night and will mean an additional $400 or so that I hadn't been counting on for my last 2 paychecks. So, yes, money is a worry and I still need to continue to save and be careful and not spend a lot on food and stuff - but I think I will be able to completely pay off my credit card and *hopefully* have somewhere in the vacinity of $600-$1000 in cash for when I take off for St. John. And thats not really counting my PERA refund and apartment deposit - so that should be at least another $1000 that I can use when it comes time to get a car/aparement/etc. Still have to keep paying back the parents though - and hopefully won't have to use any credit down in St. John. Anyway - its obvious this weighs on my mine huh?

So I saw Ashley and we had McDonald's the other night. It was OK - i said some stupid things just cause I wanted to tell her how I felt (that some of the stuff she does w/ her new "crew" is dumb I think). I shouldn't have done that. But it was OK overall I think it had been a long time since I'd seen her! She is as beautiful as ever and its still hard not to just hug/kiss/hold her hand - or want to anyway. The funny thing is when things were going downhill w/ me and her its like she would always want to hold on to me just a bit longer when we hugged - and I took it for granted - I was/am so stupid sometimes. Anyway, she checked out Moby w/ me and kinda humored me and hung out a few minutes so I wouldn't be so bored (James did this last night too, so that was cool). Things are just.. i dunno different and weird and hard. Two and a half years.. thats a long time.

OK, i'm going to go put up some signs for work for a check-in this afternoon - then off to lunch at the Pizza Hut buffet w/ James. May update later as things are pretty slooooooww today.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

The river, trains, and a new set of shades

So today has been pretty interesting so far I guess you could say. I woke up (got to sleep in!) and immediately felt I wanted to try and go down to Martinez park and find Eric's memorial for Javad and Vivian in the river. I jumped online and made a pizza, and my old roomate Adam was IMing me and all about wanting to do something, ANYTHING, and wanted to tube or something on the Poudre. I was pretty non-commital, mostly cuz of work and that I wanted to go down to the river where the memorial was. He didn't seem interested in this and we joked that I was like Cameron from Ferris Bueller's day off cuz i will never do stuff or make up my mind - the truth: I just didn't want to do something that would take all day w/ Adam as i needed to get back to work and stuff. I do get along pretty good w/ Adam, but also sometimes I don't relate to him that great. Like when last weekend I was working and told him I had to work and couldn't hand out he was like, "you're GAY, and LAME!" Its like sorry but I have a job - and those of you who know me and my cultural politics will know that his comments piss me off for more than just one reason.

Ok, so anyway, James messaged and mentioned he wanted to go to Hobby Lobby and Michael's and if I wanted to go. I told him I wanted to go to the park and he said he'd come along. So he came over a bit later and we head over to the river and the park. It's really cool over there! There were kids swimming and rope swings and places that were deep and shallow and all kinds of paths to the river and mini-beaches and stuff. It was HOT, but really beautiful on the river. I waded around a bit, and we headed upstream trying to find Eric's memorial made of stones in the river. We looked and looked but couldn't find it. It was cool of James to go w/ me because I don't think he really felt any connection to any of that but he still went. I did my best to try and convince James we needed to go tubing tonight - but he wasn't up for it.

So, we left the park discussing ideas for a dinosaur movie we could make there using the park/river as our set. haha, we had some funny ideas. We headed over to the craft store and hobby shop - where an old man started the HO scale train for us since we had been "good boys." I found this humorous.

Since I still had about an hour to kill we headed to Old Town for starbuck's (james' opted for a strawberry cheescake thing, i opted for my powder gatorade in my nalgene), and people watching. On the main square there was a belly dancing demonstration going on, so we watched this w/ half-hearted interest for about 20 minutes, then headed out.

James dropped me at the office and took care of some paperwork and emails that had come in and got ready for the pre-con w/ Ryun running. This went OK except the housing people didn't show up!!! The main reason for a freaking pre-con! haha.. so I basically looked like a disorganized jackass. HOWEVER, the Ryun guys were nice (good Christians!) and I think they didn't mind much. I am, however, going to be at their check in tomorow and not at the hockey game I had hoped to play in.... oh well - thats more money in my pocket.

OK, one last thing before I head out to dinner at Country Buffet for $4.00 - ya baby! On the way back form the pre-con I stopped at the little sunglass shop. Right away I asked about the cheapo glasses. I found a few pairs that I liked, then one caught my eye as it was metallic blue and orangish and i like this combination. $18.00 hmmmm OK, i went ahead and bought them telling the guy about my trip to St. John. He was funny, this seemed to "impress" something upon him and when I asked for a cheap case he was like "dude, thats cool, i'm going to hook you up". So he have me a free little soft case for storing and cleaning! COOL. Anyway, i spent like an hour after i got home just looking at these - i haven't bought a "material" type thing in soooo long that I was like really concerned about if this was a good purchase. Well I figure that is good - watching my money more - and I am gonna keep em, they are cool.

OK, gotta clean up for Buffet time!!!! - What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?!?!?