All the time lately, i think to myself "man i need to write," or "I should at least put down something in my blog about what I'm thinking" but for whatever reason I don't end up doing it. Anyway, I was going to write more this morning but now I'm gonna need to jump in the shower in about 10 minutes and get ready for the thrilling walk to work.

This weekend has been hard, and it seems like most days have been hard lately. Hard in that it seems like any sort of routine I have has to involve waking up and crying or at least almost crying for a little while every morning - I don't like being like that, but I don't think its something that will just stop one day either. confusion about everything I guess, but ya right now it's kinda Ashley that is the thing that really gets me.

I guess I'm just so mad at myself. And I mean not just for hurting her and everything, of course i'll always hate myself for that and those actions. But its like I obviously have strong feelings for her still, and I still really lover her - WHY did it take so much time, a trip to the carribean, and a new boyfriend for me to actually realize and awknowledge all of this at a time that looks like its just too late?

I dunno, thats what pisses me off, like Laura said something like "well you had six months! so its not like you didn't have a chance if you were really thinking you wanted to try and make something happen again." Which is true - but I think trying to negotiate all of that and those feelings and that hurt just scared me or scared me that i'd hurt Ashley more. So instead, i came up with excuses and "fake" things to be excited about. I dont' think I did this on purpose - but when I look back on it it seems like that is really what was going on. Ya, i did a good job into the second half of my internship, and yes i planned and got all excited about my trip to St. John thinking it would be this whole new page in life - but did I even really ever truly believe that?? I hated time off the past summer in some ways because it made me actually think about things, WHY DIDN'T I DO ANYTHING!!! i guess i didn't think enough - its like how i'll turn on the TV to just try and wash everything else away (which doesn't work at all anymore), i used my trip and "moving away" and my job as stupid excuses not to face my feelings.

What I hate is I have no idea what would have happened had I actually tried to deal with what I was going through and feeling as opposed to just what was gonna happen in the future. I mean, god ashley still took care of me for like 2 days when I was sick even after all that shit, and still called me to hang out w/ her new friends, and gave me every opportunity. Why couldn't just ONE of those times i have been like, can we talk, like really talk? I dunno maybe I was scared it would hurt me but just hurt her even worse and I can't stand the thought of ever hurting her again. I probably should not have sat down to start writing w/ no time, cuz I feel like I could just pour out a ton of shit that has just been building up inside me, maybe I can get myself to sit down later and it will be some kind of release to write some more. Lately, it seems like I should really be to that, quit feeling sorry for yourself and move on stage, and i think that is what my friends who i've talked to a bit here are thinking... I just don't want to let her go, let colorado go, let that life go when I think there was so much there that still could have gone on in the right direction and now I just feel lost and scared all the time, and lonely, I don't feel "home." I dunno i havne't felt home for a long time, probably not since well before my relationship ended w/ ashley and we could still hold eachother and feel safe and know everything would be OK. Thats the last time I really felt home, and it didn't matter that it wasn't Iowa, or wasn't a beautiful carribean island, and that family wasn't right there - I felt safe and home and knew things would be OK - and I miss that so damn bad and hate myself so much for losing it and causing the breakup of it and for not fighting harder to try and get it back when I had the chance.

I'm sick of thinking or hearing "everything's gonna be OK, everything will work out" because fuck what if it doesn't, what if that was in and it was the shot to be happy and now its gone, no matter how many great girls I meet or friends I make, it will always be there as this loss, this tinge of sadness that will never let me be completely at peace w/ myself and my life again. all that and the great prospect of selling cell phones to make my living.. i gotta go