Changing shirts at 9:00pm to go to a Smokey place where you'll be splashed w/ beer?? Not for me tonight - some thoughts on an interesting evening

So, I haven't written on here in awhile. I think I need to start thought because I think I kinda blow of steam by writing on here and it helps me de-stress a little. Anyway, tonight was... Interesting.

I was all excited all day because I had plans to hang out w/ Erin tonight, who is in town from Omaha where she now lives w/ her serious boyfriend. Work went pretty well today, but I ended up staying till around 5:30. I called Erin right when I got done, thinking we'd go out to dinner, and that maybe Gina would join us.

Well - turns out that I didn't really have much say in the plans. They wanted to go to a BBQ at Gina's ex-bf's house to eat and hang out. All I really cared about was seeing Erin (Gina and I were never close) - so I guess it didn't matter where, so I agreed and they came to pick me up. We got over to this really nice house, that apparently is populated completely by guys that grew up in Carroll, Iowa, and moved out here. Anyway, the guys were nice enough but disinterested in really meeting me or Erin or even talking until everyone had a few beers. Very strange everyone was from Iowa yet did not know eachother before moving to CO.

Anyway - I dunno, I just wasn't very comfortable the entire time really. A lot of it was that they were strangers, more of it probably that Gina didn't do much to make us feel included - but I dunno thats not really her fault.. I think I was just disapointed because I was really hoping to connect and have some good conversation w/ Erin cause she is such a great girl and this didn't happen.

In no way did I want to flirt or anything like that w/ Erin (we dated and really, really got along good for awhile back when I was at UNI and spedning time up at ISU). BUT, I did hope to have some genuine connection w/ a friend from the past and enjoy each other's company for the night. This didn't end up happening at all. Mostly because of the environment I think.

I think some of the reason that I was uncomfortable was the whole guy thing. I just can't seem to relate to or make friends w/ guys as easy as I can women. It's just hard for me - its like I'm suspicious of men and look for things to not like them for or whatever instead of looking for their good qualities - I'm not quite sure why I do this. These guys seemed decent enough. I think my standards are too high maybe? I dunno, I mean its clear these guys liked to party and get trashed and didn't mind speaking of women pretty shittily as well as some other stuff that these days just turns me the other way (everythings "gay" or anyone stupid is a "fag"). Still - how many gruops of guys out there that live together don't relate to one another in this way. I don't know it just confuses me. I think in some ways I become jealous I dont' have a group of friends like that - those that I can just bullshit with.

In some ways I do have this w/ Brian and Brett back home, along w/ Sarah and Megan and stuff. Like, if Brian and maybe one other person I knew had been there tonight it would have made me so much more comfortable... or even if more women had been there. I could have jumped into some conversations with these (maybe 5 or 6?) guys, and a few times I did and they were not unwelcoming, just didn't seem to care much that I was there or what I had to say.

Anyway, being over at this BBQ did bring back some feelings that were good/memories and nostalgia in a way. I haven't drank in a LONG time, and I was buzzing after a beer and a half (I only had 3). At that point I wandered outside, kinda just chilled and listened to people chatting, stood around the grill. Someone lit up a cigarrette and immediately I was brought back to my partying days (I never smoke - just that smell and the buzz brought it all back). If I had been on that patio sitting underneath the beautiful CO sky w/ Brian, Sarah, Megan, Brett, Simm, even John and Pat - life would have been just about perfect. We'd bullshit, drink a few beers, bullshit some more, then Degen would chug a beer, I'd try but not make it, get made fun of but laugh and love and be surrounded by it all. The night would go on - talking, drinking, probalby getting drunk enough to do some crazy shit that would have us all cracking up.

So anyway, at this point tonight (on the patio grilling) I was feeling pretty good. Following eating, and basically just watching these guys getting drunk - everyone started to get ready to "go out". It was like I was back in sophomore year or something. The guys disappeared to their rooms, coming back in designer jeans and clean colored shirts - this sorta cracked me up but I didn't show it. It's like "didn't you already get dressed today." I'm just fine in my shorts and "College" t-shirt thats somewhat of my uniform these days. I dunno - i shouldn't bag on them though, fasion and going out and fishing for the ladies isn't bad or anything - just not my thing anymore in the same way it is these guys I guess.

Of course the girls had to go out to the car, and grab their "going out" clothes as well. They changed in the bathroom and came out looking great of course. Erin is very pretty and always has been in a very cute sort of way. She is sexy because of this cuteness and her smile and laugh and attitude - not because you look at her and think: "damn she's sexy." You look at her and say she's cute then get to know her and realize how amazing she is and what a great girl she is. Her BF is a lucky guy and I hope he treats her right. The whole time I was w/ her tonight I wondered if she was feeling like me in some ways - kinda out of place and would rather be snuggling up w/ someone watching a movie or kicking back w/ a few beers and old friends. Anyway, although I'm disappointed I didn't get to see or talk to her much and she didn't really seem to like say "hey lets do something so we get to hang out all night" she is still a wonderful person w/ a good heart and I love her.

Gina, of course - well she's just fucking smoking physically. She's a natural beauty with huge dark brown eyes (thats not the only huge thing!), brown hair w/ the perfect highlights, and a body that makes men's (and some women's for that matter) jaws drop. Still- its funny, any attraction I have to Gina is purely physical as we don't really connect at all on any other levels. She's a nice girl, just not one I'd ever want to date. Sometimes I wonder about how her and Erin are best friends!! But hey they love eachother and enjoy being together and thats all that matters. haha, so anyway, i meant to say Gina got dressed up and looked nice too.

So decision time: Go to the bar w/ these two girls who are my friends and a bunch of strangers?? Basically, I think why I ended up having them drop me off at my house came down to 2 things mainly. Number 1: Money. It is not hard to drop 30-50 bucks a night at the bar once you pay a cover, buy a few beers, and maybe buy a beer or shot for a friend or a fun new acquataince. I seriously wanted to avoid this. I got paid today - and I still have $1000 to pay of on my credit card plus the grand I owe my parents. Not to mention trying to finance this whole up and moving to the Caribbean thing!!! So, that was one of the deciding factors. Number 2: Basically all goes back to that night in February or whatever. I'm scared of the decisions I might make in a bar/drunken situation - like I don't think I can trust myself yet.

Man, this song just came on Jack FM 105.5 (GREAT STATION!) that I call the "brett majors song" because I swear it always played at the Oakmoor athletic club we'd go work out at when I was w/ Brett. I think its by the wallflowers, haha, just had to mention that

OK, i think i'm going to post this as is.. but i'm going ot come back and finish the last part, i.e. my thoughts on going out and drinking and stuff and why I chose to stay home and if it was the right decision or not.... OK maybe later tonight or tomorrow! Peace everyone - I hope they find each and every one of those fuckers that bombed up London yesterday. Gotta remember, like my mom told me yesterday, 99.9% of the people in this world are good and loving.. don't forget that.