I said to myself on the way to work that I should sit down and write in here, but I got here and started surfing and doing whatever else and basically avoiding my thoughts or at least not commiting them to paper (virtual paper i guess) like I am always thinking I should. But something just happend and I guess I want to write about it although I don't know what I want to say. I was going to write about the movie I went to last night, and maybe how the job is going, and maybe some other stuff too and how it has continued to be hard lately... but then someone showed up at work.

This person will remain nameless, but it can be said they are a close friend of mine and I care about him very much. He fucked up. Thats the first thing he said to me, "I fucked up last night." And I immediately knew what had happened. He did the same thing I did, made the exact same mistake I did, in almost the exact same way I did it - drunk, but still knowing what he was doing, and randomly, not planned or thought about or premediated in any way. I'm pissed at him, not only because I know and care about his girlfriend, but because he had to go and do the same fucking thing that I did, the thing that I think back on as the biggest mistake I've made and certainly one of the defining moments (in a very bad way) of my life. I don't want my life to be defined by that, and I hope i isn't but its hard to move on and I wonder... For him, I don't want his mistake to have the same impact on his life and those around him that mine did.

I guess I don't really know what to think - i will be there for him for anything he needs that I can give him, and I guess I can truly empathize in that I know exactly how he feels. He did something very smart that I did not do. He has already told his gf what happened and i guess confronted his feelings about it as opposed to being as cowardly as I was because of the hurt I knew I'd cause. He said there was crying - but they came in to my work together today, and they left holding hands. He also told him his is sure he wants to be with her, 100%. If all that is true, and they can get through this, I wish them all the love in the world and happiness. But the thing is, she is going to want to know why, and he's gonna have to figure out what to tell her. Being drunk and horny and tempted by someone who didn't truly care for him and what she was doing to his relationship may not be a good enough reason for her, I don't know, it might.

I told him basically do what she wants for as long as it takes, if he thinks that he really wants to be w/ her. I wish I would have done that. The thing is, I wasn't sure of what I wanted at that time. I was confused and stupid. I had opportunities that I blew. I hope he doesn't do that. Even if things end w/ his gf, I hope he takes the time to think about how he really feels and not just distract himself w/ other things or people, because they have a lot invested in one another. The other thing is, I already told him this and I hope he knows, he isn't a bad person - he just fucked up hugely. I think he probably knows this about himself and will be able to accept it a lot easier than I have, because its still really a daily thing w/ me. He has strong religious faith which may be able to help him too.

ok, i lost my train of thought here because I had to help some customers.. spent over 45 min. w/ them and had their credit come up bad... fuck. who cares for now I guess I'll be making 8 bucks an hour no matter what unless they start giving me manager stuff.

Anyway, i dunno i guess i just hope this whole thing above works out OK. I wouldn't wish on anyone what I put Ashley through, and what I guess doing that has put me through and still does today. Like I was thinking on my way to work how I just wish thats not the way things would have ended. I am SOOO grateful that she is still in my life and is such a good friend to me and I think she's absolutely amazing and unbelievably caring - and thats what kills me because I wish that if things really weren't meant to be that we would have at least gotten through that bad spot and then determined that.. or that we would have talked about things before (i should have) and prevented all that shit in the first place. You know, i was just about to type "guys are fucking assholes" which is true. but the thruth is its just people that are assholes sometimes. All people, guys are girls, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, even parents and kids, they all make really horrible mistakes sometimes. I guess some are not as big and there are those lucky ones that make it through life w/ few or no regrets - but I bet most people out there know what its like to really screw up and in the process hurt other people as well. So basically "people can be assholes" but that shouldn't brand them one for life - its so strange to me that I can type this an believe it about others yet feel like i can't apply it to myself or at least can't accept it in a way that will let me move on - but I guess thats just a process that will take time and the ability to not just give up. I hope I have that. Then again in even just thinking about being able to move on and be happy again i feel guilty in a way - its so weird.

One thing that I think i really have to realize is that Ashley has completely and totally seemed to move on to a whole new chapter in her life. She has a new boyfriend, its real, its not like some one week thing. She's gone through all these tough times w/ him already bonding them in certain ways for better or worse, probably even in ways that didn't know her in our time together. Thats pretty hard to swallow I guess for me still - but I need to. Because to deny it or whatever would just be pointless. Still, i wish it could just be like well me and her went our separate ways and i'm so glad she's happy, but obviously it didn't end all smooth or whatever like that. The thing is: I AM glad she's happy. really I am. I just hate that it hurts me so much but thats just basically tough shit because of the position I put myself in and I've already been selfish enough in my life and relationships. I should not think about it so much, I should focus on other things, but right now its like 2 things matter: 1. a JOB and my LIFE as an adult, and 2. Ashley, and those are the what just are right there for me to think about. Maybe part of that is because Ashley always was my life in so many ways over the past years (and yes I know its been 8 months since we broke up - fuck, thats incredible i just had to think about it - it sure doesn't seem like that long. i guess that makes me more pathetic or whatever! - its like what have i even done w/ that time). I know I'm just babbling now and that this post has turned into a mish-mash of half ideas that don't make sense.

Is it bad that it would really bug me if she ends up w/ this guy? Yes, so I'm not going to type more on that. Ashley if you ever read this, the only reason I even just thought that or think that is because he is the one right after me or whatever, and seems to be very different than me in a lot of ways, so that weirds me out. Maybe that and I don't know him, and so really have no idea what kind of guy he is. I won't judge him by pictures or anything like that - but by what she tells me, but I mean right now that hasnt' really been too much so i don't really know. Does he make her laugh? Does he worry about her when she's driving alone and make sure she's ok? does he have fun watching stupid TV shows w/ her? well who knows, but they probbably have other things that they connect on and find special and enjoy about eachother, I just hope those things are all real and good and everything. OK, fuck thats enough typing bout this. Ashley, I want you to be happy no matter who it is you are with. Basically you just need to be treated wonderfully, as thats how you treat those you care about.

To any poor souls who have read this far (james, laura, maybe simm) sorry for the babbling I just needed to get my thoughts out and I'll actually write if I know it will be readable by someone other than me. OK maybe i'll start a new post about something else. i'm out.