In what other sport can you find lost jewelry and battle ferocius aquatic creatures all at once?!?

OK - so using the blog to blog, but also I kinda wanta write about my experiences tonight in a story/narrative format. So ya here I go:

As I turned to lock the door on the office as I was the last one out, I could feel the sun beating down on my back. The heat hit me as soon as I stepped outside, and I was almost tempted to go find something to do for another hour or two just so I could stay inside the air-conditioned comfort of my basement office. As I began the 10 minute walk from the Colorado State Campus where I work to my 3rd-floor studio, I thought back on the first half of the week, the sweat building on my brow and dripping down my sunglasses in the 90-degree plus heat that still had its grip on Fort Collins at 5:30pm.

The week had been long insofar as it was Wednesday night and I had already worked close to 30-plus hours. The vast majority of this time had been spent indoors, and with only 3 weeks left in Colorado, I knew I wanted to spend some time outside once I had the chance - even if it meant venturing out into this heat wave. The night before I had made an exciting purchase - a brand new mask, snorkel, and fins; a gift from my parents leading up to my Virgin Islands adventure. Its a somewhat strange feeling to buy a complete snorkeling package in the middle of landlocked Fort Collins, Colorado.

Perhaps it was that I was just excited to have a night off, and excited to try out my new gear, but I decided I needed to have a little Fort Collins adventure of my own. It took about 10 seconds of sitting in my oven-like studio before I decided I would head out to the river.

I packed up my gear, hopped on my bike and pedaled for Lee Martinez park just north of town. I had never taken this route on my bike before, and enjoyed checking out some paths and trails on the way down to the river that had previously been foreign to me. It's amazing that in literally 3 minutes I had gone from downtown Fort Collins to a gorgeous meadow with a view of the mountains to the West, bordered on all sides by a lush greenbelt. Another minute or so of laid-back pedaling and I arrived at my destination: A large rusted over bridge that served as a crossing for one of the many bike paths that zigzagged past the river.

I walked up to the the top of the bridge just as two women on horseback crossed by. I think they may have noticed the bright yellow swim fins sticking out of my backpack and gave me an inquisitive look - I just looked back, you don't see horses at the city park everyday either! Looking straight down, I could clearly see the bottom of the river and the smooth stones and sand that lined it. I crossed to the other side of the bridge and walkd down the bank away. I found a spot w/ some big old, twisted tree roots that looked like they'd be pretty good steps.

The air was hot - but that didn't keep the water tempeture from shocking my system. I lowered myself down into the melted rocky mountain snow that I know makes up this river. I swam out a ways, my feet still easily touching the bottom. "OK," I thought,"this isn't bad, now lets see how the gear works!" I paddled back over to the bank and began putting on my new stuff. First the mask, I swim out and take a look.. works great! Then the fins and snorkle. I'm off!

As I began to float on the surface and swim out to the middle of the thin, shallow (at no point was the bottom more than 4 feet from the surface), I was surprised by the force of the current. It immediately began to push me downstream and my new fins were put to work as I pumped my legs in an attempt to stay in one place.

I was completely enjoying myself, but it should be said: snorkeling in a river is a little eery, and I'd even go so far as to say "freaky." The thing is, you have no idea white might be floating downstream - and even though the water was very clear, there is still a cloudiness that makes anything more than 3-4 feet away a potential snake/scary fish/dead body/part of dead body/of fresh water lemon shark (thats what my granny would say, anyway). But as I said, with the exception of these somewhat morbid and scary thoughts flashing through my brain, I was really into this river snorkeling thing.

By this point the sun was just disappearing behind the the foothills in the distance, but there was still enough like where there was plenty to see. I began to dive down under the 4 or 5 feet of water to explore the bottom, expecting to see rocks, sand, and not much else. So when something moved next to my hand on the first dive down I jumped back pretty quick! I had discovered a defensive little crawdad, claws up to warn me away from his rock. He was crawling back and forth, and had flecks of bright red and blue spread across his muddy colored exoskeleoton. I hung out with him for awhile, diving down several more times to watch him patrol his rock home, always spinning to keep claws up to me - warding me off I suppose.

I let the current do its thing and pull me down further, passing underneath the bridge until I looked down to see an area that was a lot more fine sand than stones. It was a little deeper here as well, and I could feel the strain in my calve muscles as I kicked to stay near the bottom in the very middle of the river's flow. I dove down a few times, checkout out some cool colored and smooth rocks, and an ancient bottle of St. Pauli or some other import beer. As I drifted off to one side of the river and the bank, I noticed something shiny and reached down into the sand to discover a fully functional Timex watch (the clasp had been broken). It was strange to see the correct time, date blinking up at me half-buried in the sand at the bottom of what seemed such an untouched, natural place. I pocketed the watch - lets face it more than one Timex has been lost in the Cache le Poudre, so I think I can lay claim to this one without calling in the cops - and began a slow swim back towards where I had first dipped into the icy water.

Just before I reached my exit point, crawdad number one's big brother showed up! I thought this guy was a lobster on the loose at first. He was a big one, and if you threw him in a pot w/ some corn, potatoes, and a few more of his friends you'd have a good meal on your plate. Anyway, he was all interested in me, and I dove down repeatedly to visit. I stuck out what was left of the watch wristband and he was all over it with his claws, pinching and grabbing, jumping off his rock to try and get hold. It was interesting, at first this little guy seemed to be saying - hey I'm the king of this place, getting up on the back 2 of his 6 little legs to ward me off. But as I dove down again he seemed to be jumping up and trying to grab hold - maybe he noticed my bright yellow mask and wanted to tag along with me next month as I change latititude in an attempt to change his little Colorado crawdad attitude.

I crawled out of the water, and dried off just as the last of the bright orange sun snuck behind the foothills, leaving a watercolor mix of purples, pinks, reds, and oranges in the western sky. I walked out to a large field beyond some trees and just to the north of the river, standing and watching as the colors filled the sky and then slowly receded behind the front range's jagged horizon.

As I hopped onto my creaky old mountain bike and crossed back over the river, slowly taking in the sounds, sights, and smells around me as night crept over the park, I thought to myself, now that was a pretty damn interesting night - river snorkeling in Fort Collins. Just as I was thinking things couldn't get much more fulfilling or interesing, a fox jumped out in front of me, his coat just as bright and orange as the sun had been a few minutes before.

I rode home with soaking wet shorts, a bagful of soggy snorkel stuff, and a brand new Timex watch. I stopped off at 7-11, picked up two hot dogs, a "super" big gulp, and realized when you think about it... life is pretty good.

Curiousity killed the cat... - or at least made his trip to the Islands not quite as exciting!

OK - STOP!! I keep looking at stuff about the islands and looking for jobs and looking at VINOW.com and stuff - i want to be able to have it all figured out but I know this isn't the way it's going to work.... AND, I know its no the way I want to do it - i wanna be prepared, but I want to experience this and learn it for myself.

The big thing - i'm getting really nervous!! Nervous if I'll like it, nervous if I'll be happy, nervous if I'll be safe, and mostly the biggest thing is I think nervous that I'll have to come back after just the month and want to stay a lot longer! Maybe some of this is hitting me because last night after work I went over to the little Dive shop that is right on the corner of campus basically and picked up a mask/snorkel/fins set. My parents got me this for my birthday - since I'll be down on St. John at the end of August. It makes things seem more real - and i'm sorta scared! Not scared for snorkeling :)... That I'm excited about! Just the whole experience and stuff and how it will be. There were actually some decent looking jobs in the online paper for the islands on St. Thomas and even St. John (a hotel day manager) - but I don't know if I should like wait till I'm there or make some calls or what.

The good thing is this - things have been just sorta happening lately that are good or have worked out. For instance, when the work truck died, James came and jumped it. Or that it works well for Brian to come pick me up after they raft thursday the 4th and everyoen seems ok w/ this. OR, whats really cool is Helen was so excited to have me stay w/ her and I was too - and then even better! Marian says she needs a house-sitter for that week so now I'm all set. Its like things are just falling into place - Finances still worry me, but then again the Moby Sessions came up and that is extremely easy for me to do every night and will mean an additional $400 or so that I hadn't been counting on for my last 2 paychecks. So, yes, money is a worry and I still need to continue to save and be careful and not spend a lot on food and stuff - but I think I will be able to completely pay off my credit card and *hopefully* have somewhere in the vacinity of $600-$1000 in cash for when I take off for St. John. And thats not really counting my PERA refund and apartment deposit - so that should be at least another $1000 that I can use when it comes time to get a car/aparement/etc. Still have to keep paying back the parents though - and hopefully won't have to use any credit down in St. John. Anyway - its obvious this weighs on my mine huh?

So I saw Ashley and we had McDonald's the other night. It was OK - i said some stupid things just cause I wanted to tell her how I felt (that some of the stuff she does w/ her new "crew" is dumb I think). I shouldn't have done that. But it was OK overall I think it had been a long time since I'd seen her! She is as beautiful as ever and its still hard not to just hug/kiss/hold her hand - or want to anyway. The funny thing is when things were going downhill w/ me and her its like she would always want to hold on to me just a bit longer when we hugged - and I took it for granted - I was/am so stupid sometimes. Anyway, she checked out Moby w/ me and kinda humored me and hung out a few minutes so I wouldn't be so bored (James did this last night too, so that was cool). Things are just.. i dunno different and weird and hard. Two and a half years.. thats a long time.

OK, i'm going to go put up some signs for work for a check-in this afternoon - then off to lunch at the Pizza Hut buffet w/ James. May update later as things are pretty slooooooww today.

The river, trains, and a new set of shades

So today has been pretty interesting so far I guess you could say. I woke up (got to sleep in!) and immediately felt I wanted to try and go down to Martinez park and find Eric's memorial for Javad and Vivian in the river. I jumped online and made a pizza, and my old roomate Adam was IMing me and all about wanting to do something, ANYTHING, and wanted to tube or something on the Poudre. I was pretty non-commital, mostly cuz of work and that I wanted to go down to the river where the memorial was. He didn't seem interested in this and we joked that I was like Cameron from Ferris Bueller's day off cuz i will never do stuff or make up my mind - the truth: I just didn't want to do something that would take all day w/ Adam as i needed to get back to work and stuff. I do get along pretty good w/ Adam, but also sometimes I don't relate to him that great. Like when last weekend I was working and told him I had to work and couldn't hand out he was like, "you're GAY, and LAME!" Its like sorry but I have a job - and those of you who know me and my cultural politics will know that his comments piss me off for more than just one reason.

Ok, so anyway, James messaged and mentioned he wanted to go to Hobby Lobby and Michael's and if I wanted to go. I told him I wanted to go to the park and he said he'd come along. So he came over a bit later and we head over to the river and the park. It's really cool over there! There were kids swimming and rope swings and places that were deep and shallow and all kinds of paths to the river and mini-beaches and stuff. It was HOT, but really beautiful on the river. I waded around a bit, and we headed upstream trying to find Eric's memorial made of stones in the river. We looked and looked but couldn't find it. It was cool of James to go w/ me because I don't think he really felt any connection to any of that but he still went. I did my best to try and convince James we needed to go tubing tonight - but he wasn't up for it.

So, we left the park discussing ideas for a dinosaur movie we could make there using the park/river as our set. haha, we had some funny ideas. We headed over to the craft store and hobby shop - where an old man started the HO scale train for us since we had been "good boys." I found this humorous.

Since I still had about an hour to kill we headed to Old Town for starbuck's (james' opted for a strawberry cheescake thing, i opted for my powder gatorade in my nalgene), and people watching. On the main square there was a belly dancing demonstration going on, so we watched this w/ half-hearted interest for about 20 minutes, then headed out.

James dropped me at the office and took care of some paperwork and emails that had come in and got ready for the pre-con w/ Ryun running. This went OK except the housing people didn't show up!!! The main reason for a freaking pre-con! haha.. so I basically looked like a disorganized jackass. HOWEVER, the Ryun guys were nice (good Christians!) and I think they didn't mind much. I am, however, going to be at their check in tomorow and not at the hockey game I had hoped to play in.... oh well - thats more money in my pocket.

OK, one last thing before I head out to dinner at Country Buffet for $4.00 - ya baby! On the way back form the pre-con I stopped at the little sunglass shop. Right away I asked about the cheapo glasses. I found a few pairs that I liked, then one caught my eye as it was metallic blue and orangish and i like this combination. $18.00 hmmmm OK, i went ahead and bought them telling the guy about my trip to St. John. He was funny, this seemed to "impress" something upon him and when I asked for a cheap case he was like "dude, thats cool, i'm going to hook you up". So he have me a free little soft case for storing and cleaning! COOL. Anyway, i spent like an hour after i got home just looking at these - i haven't bought a "material" type thing in soooo long that I was like really concerned about if this was a good purchase. Well I figure that is good - watching my money more - and I am gonna keep em, they are cool.

OK, gotta clean up for Buffet time!!!! - What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?!?!?

See "Crash" - Don't pay with a baggie of change!!

To blog or not to blog...

I guess I'll write for a bit and see what comes out. I've been putting off updating for awhile for whatever reason. Most likely just too tired after work and from already being at a computer most of the day. So ya, update on work I guess.

Things are going.. surprisingly well. There was a point today where I was in the Clark building walking up to see how one of the confernce sponsors was doing where i was kinda like, "you know what, I sorta like my job sometimes." Anyway, its already been a LONG week. I've been adding it up in my head, I think i'm at like 44 hours already and I still have all day tomorrow. This is great because that means like 14 hours of overtime - its not so much how much i work each pay period - but how much I work in a WEEK that gets me the big bucks. So already I know I should have a couple hundred bucks in overtime tacked onto the next check. Anyway, long days, but things are winding down and like i'm basically DONE w/ paperwork, so that is always nice. Eh.. enough about work for now.

I just got back from "Crash" which I convinced James to go with me to. I think he really liked it. I liked it a lot. Eric should show this film in Co-cultural communication. A lot to think about in this picture. And the thing was, even w/ the people next to me talking and stuff, i got really pulled in and emotionally involved in this film. There is one part where you think that the unspeakable has happened to this beautiful little girl and my heart like skipped a beat. This film demonstrates something James and I have been talking about lately - the fact that no one is perfect and that their is good and evil in each and every one of us. Anyway, I liked this movie. You don't come out feeling happy, but you don't feel sad either... You just - FEEL. and for a movie to do that these days is what makes it worth 2 hours of your life.

One funny thing about going to the movie was that it was at the cheap theater since its old, and I didn't want to spend any money tonight. I DID have my change jar however so I paid for both James and I in change in pennies in a little baggie - kinda weird but hey its money! Plus I needed to get rid of a lot of that change. I had James pull over at the gas station and I put $10.00 in gas in his tank since he's been driving me around lately - and mostly just cuz I know cash is tight right now for him and he's been a great friend.

It was interesting, after the movie James told me he sometimes feels like he was "safer" in L.A. than he is here in Fort Collins. He said because there is more diversity there that he doesn't feel he stands out as being "Japanese-American" or "asian" or whatever - well James didn't actully say this in so many words, so I shouldn't put words in his mouth. BUT.. it was interesting that he said something and I'm glad he did because it makes me think about white privelege and what it means to have the skin color I have in this country, as well as the rights and priveleges that I enjoy without even thinking about it or realize it as a young white man in Fort Collins, CO. I have a feeling that my thoughts on race and relations, etc. will change and expand even more when I am on St. John - I hope so. I'm excited, and nervous, about this and learning what its like to be a minority as far as skin color goes. That may seem strange to some - that I'm excited to be a "minority." But when you think about it, i GUARANTEE you that you are a minority in some way, shape, or form. And its just how that part of your identity is played out and seen in U.S. society that shapes what this trait means to you and your life. OK, I am probably being confusing - hmmm simple example: You identify as BLACK or AFRICAN AMERICAN and live in Urbandale, IA. You are in the minority in that category. But say there are other things about you that you don't really think about because society doesn't categorize them as importantly as something like skin color. Example: you LOVE anchovies on everything you eat, you can't get enough. You're in the minority of folks there, most likely, and depending on where you live. OH man, haha i don't think my brain is working like it did in the school days..

Basically, i'm just saying that its worth it to stop an think about why society chooses the things it does to use to divide and separate people. Skin color seems that it is something obvious to use - its so EASY to use because its right there up front, it's a visible trait. But some things seem odd - like in watching Hotel Rwanda and learning about the two rival "ethnic" groups that developed in Rwanda - from my incomplete, vastly uninformed, and somewhat ignorant limited knowledge gained simply from the Hollywood film, it seems that basically the people of this country were divided on such things as arbitrary as height and the broadness of the physical characteristic of their noses - so strange.

Things get even stranger when you talk about INVISIBLE traits that divide people in society (thinking back on Crash - some interesting conversations and things about light skinned African Americans being seen as white, and ALL people of South American descent being "Mexican" - some small comments in this film have a whole lot to say about society). For instance, you can look at me, and you'll have certain perceptions from the way I look back at you, from my clothes, from my body language - but you have no way to tell what's inside me. I could be a bigot, a homophobe.. then again, there is now way for you to know that I am who I truly am inside.

OK, I think I'm rambling somewhat on this topic - and may not be making much sense. But just go fucking see Crash, OK? About halfway through you'll either be into it, or maybe it just won't be for you. There is a point where I began looking at situations that occured and the admired filmakers balls (Make the black guys the theifs, the white cop a prick - OK that wasn't a surprise about the racist white cop - the surprise comes as his character develops, and so on, i was like hell ya this feels real), rather than just what the actual characters were saying and joking about other races. This movie IS about race... but I think you leave thinking more about PEOPLE if that makes any sense.

Hmm.. so totally switching gears. Lindsay had a rough day and I hope she is doing OK. She's great and love her. What an awesome girl she is - I LOVE the fact she is stepping outside of herself lately and what she is used to and trying new things and questioning and living - and still loving those aroud her and appreciating all the good she has in her life. She worries a lot because she sees the others around her doing things and she finds herself comparing too much I think - LINDS, i love YOU for YOU and because thats who you are. If you were like Kreoger or Me, or anyone else, than you woulnd't be you. So just fucking keep living and loving and doing what feels right - there will be ups and downs but don't quit searching for what makes you happy.

I'm not one to be giving advice though - I am so damn emotional sometimes. Actually lately I've been doing OK and feeling pretty good. The whole thing with Ashley and her hanging w/ her new "crew" and stuff lately has been real hard on me. It wasn't til last night though that I kinda broke down a little as I talked with her on the phone.. thats when she said something: "I've moving/I've moved on." Hard to hear - and still kinda digesting this...

Damn its already 11:00pm. The days are flying by - I hope this continues. But not if it means sacrificing good time spent w/ James and Ashley and friends out here, I want to savor every last minute of that because it will be awhile till I see them most likely. Basically, i want WORK to fly by :)

Good news for the first week in August - I'm going to stay w/ Helen, my favorite person from work. I'm excited about this! She makes AWESOME food and I really like her, her family, and her grandson Zane (he's like in 1st grade i think) and she said he'd probably be by to visit - he's a funny and kind kid. Anyway, I need to offer to pay some $$ obviously and I haven't done this yet. I bet she'll say OH ITS FINE! but I am still going to offer at least before, during, and when I'm leaving to give them something for their trouble. Haven't figured out transportation for that week yet - may just take the pumpkin truck home to her house each night.

Well my fingers are cramping up! Think I may crawl into bed and read some more travel writings from this book I'm trying to get into - makes me want to kayak!! Next week will be busy w/ the events I've helped coordinate for the CCC conference, AND I may play some substitution hockey for 2 separate teams. I'll try and update. PEACE.

A nice day at work and the SUPERCOMPUTER!!!!

Blog time. OK I know I said that I was going to go into my thoughts on the other night more and how partying/alcohol use and all that has changed in my life ove the past years and so on... Well I don't feel like writing about that tonight - so maybe later!

Today, for the most party, was a really good day. I had asked if they wanted extra help at the Music Camp registration today and they said, "sure you can get us cold drinks and stuff." Well turns out they really needed me so its good I went!! Checked in a ton of kids. Anyway, ya I had to get up at 8 but it was totally worth it as I got a full day's worth of work in and really need the money. Besides, i sat outside under and umbrella all day working w/ my favorite people in the office and basically nice people all day. It was pretty fun actually.

I had to move a bunch of tables and stuff at the end of the day and it was HOT, but hey it's all good. Following the music camp check-in, I headed over to one of the dorms to check in on the Beet Sugar dudes. They were doing good w/ no major problems - the desk girl was flustered as she hadn't gotten the most accurate list of names (people who work the academic year tend not to give a shit about conferences and thus don't forward important emails!!!). I helped her sort things out and no problems, just need to get one more fridge delievered over there by tomorrow night. Its funny these "good old boys" have been coming so long they can pretty much do whatever they want and we look the other way that they have alcohol on campus - interesting how things work.

I wanna rewind for a minute to yesterday - a good thing happned, when the people were here to check out the apartment I was able to slip them my business card and let them know that All Property is a pretty sleasy company (in my opinion and from the 5 or so bad experinces I've had w/ them), so I felt good about this - more because I was helping these people be educated consumers than i felt I was "screwing over" All Property. So ya that was good!

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that James came over and now I have a SUPERCOMPUTER!!! haha, not really. We took the DVD drive out of my old machines and put it into my new EMachines box - now I can copy DVDs just like that! Also took all the memory out of the old tower (just 128) and but it in my new own. So, I should gain some speed in high memory usage programs and its cool to have two DVD drives!! (the box looks funny now though, althought not altogether bad - just different). I was nervous about doing all this, but then as James and I were working I opened up the owner's manual for my new machine and it was all right there - exactly like we were doing it. And everything has worked great since!!! oh and DUST OUT YOUR COMPUTERS!

So that was fun, then I kept bugging James til finally he said he would go get dinner with me at Burger King. So we drove over and basically sat and ate and enjoyed sitting in the air-conditioning because it was so hot out. We probably sat there for close to 2 hours, i'm not really sure. It's fun talking to James - I sorta wish we hung out more before just the past few months. Its also interesting to hear about his family and stuff - like his dad and whatnot. haha, and I know he reads this so hey james, thanks for my new supercomputer!!!!

I just gave the addy for this blog to my parent's: yikes! haha dunno if that was a good idea or not.

Man, my apartment is fucking hot (see right there, i was like oh man i probably shouldn't say fuck.. my parents are going to read this! hahahah OH WELL....). That little fan I have doesn't do much, but its better than nothing. Besides, i'm going to try and go to bed soon. I am REALLY going to work everyday at 7:30 from now on... Overtime $$ here I come. I've only got 3.5 weeks left so I gotta make the most of it.

Talked to Brett tonight about the whole get together the first week in August. Hopefully this will work out and won't cost much. I'm really excited to see everyone - but will most likely pass on a raft trip (as I've done it and it costs a LOT). Brett seemed frustrated that I wouldn't commit to getting pretty much the whole week off work (its my last week, and I can probably take off just about any day) - BUT, even he wasn't sure when he is coming out. So we'll just have to wait and see I think. Hopefully i can work through at least Wednesday for the money and just cuz I'd like to help out w/ that last big conference w/ Donna since I've done so much w/ Karen and Campus Crusade. But ya, really excited to see those guys and I'm sure we'll have fun no matter what we went up doing - it'll also be good to see Julie, and Degens and hell anyone else! haha and we'll have to see if Patty wants to talk religion... that could be interesting!!

Hmmm, I just created a mix of James Taylor, Buffett, Johnny Cash, and Less than Jake - interesting huh?!? I've actually been feeling it all night. I normally can NOT write when music is on, like papers and emails and stuff. But I seem to be able to blog OK, mostly CUZ i DONT kare BOUT spel'n mistakes and shit haha.

OK, I'm hot and tired and my laundry is almost done. More soon hopefully.

Changing shirts at 9:00pm to go to a Smokey place where you'll be splashed w/ beer?? Not for me tonight - some thoughts on an interesting evening

So, I haven't written on here in awhile. I think I need to start thought because I think I kinda blow of steam by writing on here and it helps me de-stress a little. Anyway, tonight was... Interesting.

I was all excited all day because I had plans to hang out w/ Erin tonight, who is in town from Omaha where she now lives w/ her serious boyfriend. Work went pretty well today, but I ended up staying till around 5:30. I called Erin right when I got done, thinking we'd go out to dinner, and that maybe Gina would join us.

Well - turns out that I didn't really have much say in the plans. They wanted to go to a BBQ at Gina's ex-bf's house to eat and hang out. All I really cared about was seeing Erin (Gina and I were never close) - so I guess it didn't matter where, so I agreed and they came to pick me up. We got over to this really nice house, that apparently is populated completely by guys that grew up in Carroll, Iowa, and moved out here. Anyway, the guys were nice enough but disinterested in really meeting me or Erin or even talking until everyone had a few beers. Very strange everyone was from Iowa yet did not know eachother before moving to CO.

Anyway - I dunno, I just wasn't very comfortable the entire time really. A lot of it was that they were strangers, more of it probably that Gina didn't do much to make us feel included - but I dunno thats not really her fault.. I think I was just disapointed because I was really hoping to connect and have some good conversation w/ Erin cause she is such a great girl and this didn't happen.

In no way did I want to flirt or anything like that w/ Erin (we dated and really, really got along good for awhile back when I was at UNI and spedning time up at ISU). BUT, I did hope to have some genuine connection w/ a friend from the past and enjoy each other's company for the night. This didn't end up happening at all. Mostly because of the environment I think.

I think some of the reason that I was uncomfortable was the whole guy thing. I just can't seem to relate to or make friends w/ guys as easy as I can women. It's just hard for me - its like I'm suspicious of men and look for things to not like them for or whatever instead of looking for their good qualities - I'm not quite sure why I do this. These guys seemed decent enough. I think my standards are too high maybe? I dunno, I mean its clear these guys liked to party and get trashed and didn't mind speaking of women pretty shittily as well as some other stuff that these days just turns me the other way (everythings "gay" or anyone stupid is a "fag"). Still - how many gruops of guys out there that live together don't relate to one another in this way. I don't know it just confuses me. I think in some ways I become jealous I dont' have a group of friends like that - those that I can just bullshit with.

In some ways I do have this w/ Brian and Brett back home, along w/ Sarah and Megan and stuff. Like, if Brian and maybe one other person I knew had been there tonight it would have made me so much more comfortable... or even if more women had been there. I could have jumped into some conversations with these (maybe 5 or 6?) guys, and a few times I did and they were not unwelcoming, just didn't seem to care much that I was there or what I had to say.

Anyway, being over at this BBQ did bring back some feelings that were good/memories and nostalgia in a way. I haven't drank in a LONG time, and I was buzzing after a beer and a half (I only had 3). At that point I wandered outside, kinda just chilled and listened to people chatting, stood around the grill. Someone lit up a cigarrette and immediately I was brought back to my partying days (I never smoke - just that smell and the buzz brought it all back). If I had been on that patio sitting underneath the beautiful CO sky w/ Brian, Sarah, Megan, Brett, Simm, even John and Pat - life would have been just about perfect. We'd bullshit, drink a few beers, bullshit some more, then Degen would chug a beer, I'd try but not make it, get made fun of but laugh and love and be surrounded by it all. The night would go on - talking, drinking, probalby getting drunk enough to do some crazy shit that would have us all cracking up.

So anyway, at this point tonight (on the patio grilling) I was feeling pretty good. Following eating, and basically just watching these guys getting drunk - everyone started to get ready to "go out". It was like I was back in sophomore year or something. The guys disappeared to their rooms, coming back in designer jeans and clean colored shirts - this sorta cracked me up but I didn't show it. It's like "didn't you already get dressed today." I'm just fine in my shorts and "College" t-shirt thats somewhat of my uniform these days. I dunno - i shouldn't bag on them though, fasion and going out and fishing for the ladies isn't bad or anything - just not my thing anymore in the same way it is these guys I guess.

Of course the girls had to go out to the car, and grab their "going out" clothes as well. They changed in the bathroom and came out looking great of course. Erin is very pretty and always has been in a very cute sort of way. She is sexy because of this cuteness and her smile and laugh and attitude - not because you look at her and think: "damn she's sexy." You look at her and say she's cute then get to know her and realize how amazing she is and what a great girl she is. Her BF is a lucky guy and I hope he treats her right. The whole time I was w/ her tonight I wondered if she was feeling like me in some ways - kinda out of place and would rather be snuggling up w/ someone watching a movie or kicking back w/ a few beers and old friends. Anyway, although I'm disappointed I didn't get to see or talk to her much and she didn't really seem to like say "hey lets do something so we get to hang out all night" she is still a wonderful person w/ a good heart and I love her.

Gina, of course - well she's just fucking smoking physically. She's a natural beauty with huge dark brown eyes (thats not the only huge thing!), brown hair w/ the perfect highlights, and a body that makes men's (and some women's for that matter) jaws drop. Still- its funny, any attraction I have to Gina is purely physical as we don't really connect at all on any other levels. She's a nice girl, just not one I'd ever want to date. Sometimes I wonder about how her and Erin are best friends!! But hey they love eachother and enjoy being together and thats all that matters. haha, so anyway, i meant to say Gina got dressed up and looked nice too.

So decision time: Go to the bar w/ these two girls who are my friends and a bunch of strangers?? Basically, I think why I ended up having them drop me off at my house came down to 2 things mainly. Number 1: Money. It is not hard to drop 30-50 bucks a night at the bar once you pay a cover, buy a few beers, and maybe buy a beer or shot for a friend or a fun new acquataince. I seriously wanted to avoid this. I got paid today - and I still have $1000 to pay of on my credit card plus the grand I owe my parents. Not to mention trying to finance this whole up and moving to the Caribbean thing!!! So, that was one of the deciding factors. Number 2: Basically all goes back to that night in February or whatever. I'm scared of the decisions I might make in a bar/drunken situation - like I don't think I can trust myself yet.

Man, this song just came on Jack FM 105.5 (GREAT STATION!) that I call the "brett majors song" because I swear it always played at the Oakmoor athletic club we'd go work out at when I was w/ Brett. I think its by the wallflowers, haha, just had to mention that

OK, i think i'm going to post this as is.. but i'm going ot come back and finish the last part, i.e. my thoughts on going out and drinking and stuff and why I chose to stay home and if it was the right decision or not.... OK maybe later tonight or tomorrow! Peace everyone - I hope they find each and every one of those fuckers that bombed up London yesterday. Gotta remember, like my mom told me yesterday, 99.9% of the people in this world are good and loving.. don't forget that.

Well.. I'm at work right now and should really be getting started on some things but I'm having trouble getting motivated. James text messaged me and then called so we are going to go get lunch in about a half an hour I think. I'm hoping that when I get back I'll have more energy/motiviation to get some stuff done. It was interesting talking to my parents about work the other night. I just kept talking and talking about all the stuff that I have to do for my job and I really wasn't bullshitting at all about everything that I'm responsible for -- So when my dad said "They SHOULD be paying you more than 8 bucks and hour" that felt kinda good. More on that visit later.

I have been thinking about Ashley and our relationship a lot lately - more than usual, and I think it has me feeling kind of down. I hate myself so much for what I did... I was so so so stupid. Its like I can't even comprehend how I could have possibly been that dumb and thoughtless. Yes - I was depressed about the future, and Yes our communication sucked, and yes I think I was frustrated with things and how they were going in general and even physically. But still, I am so fucking stupid.

I had the most beautiful, kindest, coolest, funniest, greatest girl that you could ever ask for. Even if all those things were going bad, plus a million more problems, why couldn't I just find a way to talk about things and work things out? There HAD to be a way to work things out. Even if we ended up deciding, ok yes, we need to breakup - why did I have to do such a stupid thing. I think maybe I'm thinking about this more and more lately because I realize I only have 30 days left in Fort Collins pretty much. So I'm not really sure what should happen... should we just stay how we are now? Should we have some big talk? Should we try to talk about a a future of some kind? (I have no idea if she would even consider any of this...).

The one thing is.. I know I need to do this trip to St. John. And after that, I need to keep pushing myself to do new things that will keep me happy and busy and not depressed. Not to mention the fact that I need to finance my life - and begin to save if I ever want to have kids and a family of my own (which is something I do want very much). How does Ashley fit into all of this? - writing this write now I just stopped to think, "Ashley can read this if she wants and I wonder what she'll think if she does." I guess I could start a "private" diary but I don't see a reason that those close to me shouldn't know how I'm feeling - in fact if Ashley had known I was feeling and I had been able to express it to her so much hurt could have not happened over the past 6 months.

I have this feeling that right now its gonna kind of be St. John for the month, maybe more, then back to Des Moines. Why Des Moines? - my parents are pretty clear that they like to visit and see me but they are not the kind that want me as close as possible and like to have me stopping by for a visit 4 or 5 nights a week. They just aren't. -- so why then? I don't know really - I guess Brian and Sarah mostly? and Lindsay although I don't think our friend circles would really be the same.. who knows though. But the answer is much more "people and family" than anything else. But can't I find good people and "create" family anywhere?? I dunno, maybe.. I struggled w/ that in Fort Collins I think largely because of my complete dependence on my relationship w/ Ashley and my unwillingness to expand my social networks beyond that. Still, what an incredible, beautiful town I live in. One of the things that really really bothers me about not having Ashley is that the things that REALLY matter - like our morals and values.. they line up SO good. Like when it came to "right and wrong" I think we always pretty much agreed. Sure, she thought I was rude when I thought I wasn't, etc. But I don't think we ever disagreed on any of the big things - i.e. the ways to treat people, the importance of love and family, openess to new ideas and things. Thats one reason I thought that we could be a strong family together some day... Then again, we do have different outlooks on things like work, money, school - those are all very important in the living day to day life as well.. but I still think a step down from the big things which we always seemed to connect on. I could be full of shit - who knows? It would be interesting to hear what she thought.

OK- James is here, more later.

A World War thats not much to write home about..

Well, the parents should be here within the hour, that should be fun I think - I'll have to report back on that later. Basically I'm just killing time till they get here and hopefully take me out to eat, so I dunno really what I want to write about today. How about this, I'll give you my movie review:

So I went to see "War of the Worlds" on Wednesday night in Westminster at the fancy Promenade theater. That place is like suburbia meets mainstream entertainment personified. Kinda reminds me more of Southern California or something rather than Colorado. Anyway, I drove down with Ashley and Amy. Amy seems to not hate me or anything and was talking quite a bit so that was nice since I hadn't seen her in a really long time. She had her hair highlighted and I thought this looked good on her. Ashley and I talked on the way down and it was good as I was joking around some and we were both laughing. We sorta had a little fight too because I was being stupid and an ass and had to open my mouth when I could have just laughed at one of her stories/comments - from what I remember, it was funny... I shouldn't be such an asshole sometimes. Anyway, by the time we got down there, things were cool, and we met up w/ James. He had come from the dentist and needs a $1700 root canal, OUCH!! I feel really bad for him I hope he can figure something out. We also met up w/ Laura, and her sister's Ellen and Kelly. Laura looked really pretty, she had some sort of eye make-up on that make her stand out and look nice. Also, Ellen is very cute in a rebellious high school type way (that probably doesn't make sense - and don't think I'm a jerk for saying she looked cute - I know she is only 18!!, I was just stating the obvious!) haha. Anyway, Kelly I have only met twice but she has been very personable and friendly both times. Those girls are so differnt, but they seem to really get along well as far as sisters go.

Wow, so I'm really not reviewing the movie huh? It was just... OK. I would say a solid B or maybe B-. I actually thought the acting was pretty good considering they were probably dealing w/ a blue screen and props a lot. But ya Tom was good, and Dakota fanning good and cute like always (cept I hated that "uptown girls" movie, that just plain sucked). I liked the big sights and big sounds - but i think it just left me wanting more... The whole basement seen is just too much like "Signs" and the movie's scare tactics were pretty formulaic and obvious. And the aliens? Just not that scary or original - they moved cool, and the CGI was well done, but they look a LOT like the Independence day Aliens and others from movies. It's like c'mon Spielberg, get w/ your buddy George Lucas and come up w/ some crazy scary shit for us. Still, i can't totally knock this thing - there was one point where I said to myself, "Damn, this is PG-13? there is no way I'd bring a kid to this." So it did have some scariness and gore. The giant machines "fertilizing" the earth with human blood was completely unnecessery but one of my favorite parts for some reason. And the ending? - BLAH, it wasn't really a horrible ending, just should have been explained better. So in the end looks like Ebert was right, once you start "thinking" about this movie and its plot holes, it makes a lot less sense.. but in a dark theater w/ big sound its probably worth the $7.00 just for the thrill ride of it all.

So yesterday I spent pretty much all day packing/cleaning up my place, cuz the parents will take some stuff w/ them. Always interesting to go through old stuff and whatnot and kinda relive those memories. I'm trying to get rid of a lot so we can fit everything when Ben comes out - think I took out a trash bag full, plus a ton of books, and also a box full of stuff for goodwill or ARC. Its going OK, still that pile of stuff is growing - I want to get to the point where if I had a small car I could move just about all my possessions and still be perfectly happy.

More climbing w/ James on Friday. That was fun and we got some great pictures I think.. I'll have to see the ones we took on his camera. Also we went to eat at the Pizza Hut Buffet. I really like the Pizza Hut Buffet for some reason, those breadsticks are great, and if you eat enough its totally worth it, mmm........ Friday night I kept calling Ashley cuz she was having her party - anyway, basically I worry about her too much, I won't go into it.

Yesterday afternoon I went to IHOP w/ Ashley and that was pretty nice and fun. I think we were both in OK moods once we started talking and we joked around a little. She can be really funny. She looked beautiful as always but especially cut cuz she has dyed her hair and I actually kinda like it a lot - and she always looks cute in her little tight T-shirts and jeans. I think thats when she looks best, just in jeans and a t-shirt. I mean she looks beautiful all dressed up too.. haha I dunno she is always hot! I told her that and she said I was lying when I said all guys think she is hot, but its really true. Anyway, it was fun hanging out only if for a little while and to hear how she has been and that she is excited for her mom to come out and so forth. I really hope that in the fall she ends up doing something that she realy enjoys and is happy. I'm going to miss her so much. Maybe she'll just go nuts and come to the islands w/ me!! haha.. I wish. She loves it here and has so many good friends she'd never leave.

So where should I take my parents? What should we do? I dunno give me some ideas if the like 2 or 3 or you who read this have any. I think I'll just see what they want to do.. it seems like everyone who has come out to CO while I've lived here up to this point I want to have like a big plan for. Not this weekend.. we'll just do whatever.

Hmmmm.. well no other thoughts are coming in to my head.. I'm just gonna talk w/ Kayla on IM or something till Mom and Pop get here. I'll try to write and report on the weekend in a few days - work shouldn't be back this week so I should have some time and energy. PEACE OUT!